A Walk in the Park

I went on a fantastic walk today. Not far from where I live is a lagoon. Its a pretty flat walk, which made it pretty easy to get to and from. There being no hills made my walk much faster than anticipated. It took about an hour to get there and back. All together it was a little more than 2 miles. I was sweating real hard when I was done, even though I didn’t feel winded. It was ridiculously hot out… like 75! ha. Trust me, thats record breaking for Alaska.

It was another, “I’m bored out of my mind, I don’t know what to do, I guess I’ll eat something” kind of day. I made sure of course to check in with myself, make sure I was hungry when I ate, but I kind of feel like now that I’m asking my body if its hungry, it’ll just always say yes. At least when I’m bored.

My friends and I went out to dinner to continue saying our good byes. She actually doesn’t leave until tomorrow. I didn’t realize that. I sure hope when I leave, I get a three day going away party. I bet no one will notice I’m gone. <–Sneaky depression thoughts sneaking up on me. DNW!

The only thing that I ate when I wasn’t hungry today was the orange chicken. I probably could have held off on that. I felt like a Sim Character, in that I could feel my hunger sliding lower and lower. I ate it right before my walk to ensure I didn’t go into some sort of hypoglycemic attack. Not that I am hypoglycemic, but I knew I be sweating and dehydrating myself before I grabbed a bottle of water, and I wanted to make sure that I wasn’t starving by the time I was done, which may have led into a binge. 

I want to binge constantly. I miss it even. I miss eating everything without thinking. Not tasting. Isn’t that weird? I guess the only reason I do miss it, is it helped me not feel so out of touch or lonely. I don’t really get along with groups of people, and at dinner tonight, there was 12 of us. I was extremely out of my element. Generally if there’s more than 2 or 3 people, I’m instantly uncomfortable and then I have to excuse myself and work out my feelings on my own, which is a frustrating experience in and of its self, because one would think after 24 years of having to interact with people on a personal level, I’d figure out how to interact with multiple people on a personal level. but I haven’t and so I suffer.

I ate half of the ribs while at the restaurant, and the other half about two hours after I went home. I ate all my veggies like a good girl, and half of the amazing and delicious roasted garlic mashed potatoes. I decided to walk home afterward, mostly because I was pissed off and needed to think out my thoughts, but partly because it was beautiful and it had cooled down, so it was a nice mile and a half walk.

My neighbor came over later that night, and we stayed up and played Farmville. Exciting, right? I really need something else to do. I am starting to have more energy, I can feel it, and I’m getting restless. If I don’t figure out something, then I’m just going to revert to old habits again. And that is unacceptable.

You Can’t Stop The Beat

Oh man, today was another goregous day. I got up around 10, ate my left over pasta from last night, and then headed out for a walk. I needed to stop by the atm so I could have some cash on me, and then made a circle around back to my house. All together it was 2.49 miles according to runningmap.com. I was so pumped when I got back from my walk, I felt like I could take over the world! I wanted to do everything, and anything.

Only I couldn’t think of anything else to do, so I hung out at home with my roommate, watch a couple of movies, and eventually cleaned the kitchen. I also ate food. I felt I was constantly snacking all day, but I only have four pictures to show you. I think part of it was that I wanted to snack, and the other part was that I was actually chewing… only I was chewing gum. Gum, I have learned is a great tool to keep my mouth busy. There is something about the movement of your jaw clenching and unclenching in a mindless way that is so very comforting. Last night while I was figuring out how to be alone without feeling lonely, I thought perhaps they should make gum that tasted like potato chips, or perhaps full blown steak and potato meals… but then I decided that would just be gross.

Fascinating, right?

The bowl of cereal I had was pretty impulsive of me. I wasn’t hungry when I ate any of my meals today. They were consumed more out of habit. I desperately need something to do on the weekends that doesn’t involve “partying”. Nothing wrong with parties, or clubbing, its just not my scene.

It might be easier to figure out once I get a car, which I’m getting next week. That should be its own post, because its going to be epic!

I ate the terrible chicken left overs because I didn’t have to cook. I heated it up in the microwave for about 2 minutes, and barely noticed when it was gone.  <—I am getting a lot better about this. Not having anything to do on the weekends makes it very easy to revert to old habits.

Tomorrow I’m going to try to get a 4 mile walk in. I’m pretty excited about that. Its always surprises me how far away things are, because 2 miles is just down the street! The walk I’m going to take tomorrow is 2 miles out, two miles home.  I definitely need more purposeful walking in. It makes me feel so powerful.

As a late night snack, I ate 4 mini corndogs, and 4 jalapeno poppers. They were hot, and crispy, and spicy. I’m sitting here, trying to come up with a reason why I ate these. I wasn’t hungry. I wasn’t feeling lonely. It just seemed like a good idea. I loved the cheese squirting out and burning my fingers. I loved the crisp contrast between the hot dog, and the breading that surrounded it. I was present for every bite, and so I’m okay with eating these. I don’t feel badly about it at all.

And now, I think I’ll watch Hairspray, the one with John Travolta. Its one of my faves.

Sex And The City 2- Critics Hate it Because They Hate Themselves

Guess what I saw last night!!! I saw Sex and the City 2, with a bunch of my friends, for Girls Night Out/Going Away Party. We all pre-ordered our tickets, convinced that the theater would be sold out. When we arrived, it was more empty than full, and stayed that way up until the credits started rolling. It was interesting, beautiful, sparkly, and (I haven’t read any reviews, especially the bad ones) I liked how easily and well they kind of satire’d themselves. I mean, they go to Abu Dhabi and they took Samantha. What the hell did they think was going to happen?

But alas, I’m not one to spoil anything, so on to dinner. Red Robbins. I have only eaten there a handful of times, and none that I can remember recently. Perhaps the last time I ate one, I lived in Oregon, and I was still a teenager. I don’t remember. I ordered a Mango-rita in Honor of House Bunnyhttp://rcm.amazon.com/e/cm?t=lilyflu-20&o=1&p=8&l=bpl&asins=B0018CNNV2&fc1=000000&IS2=1&lt1=_blank&m=amazon&lc1=0000FF&bc1=000000&bg1=FFFFFF&f=ifr, and had a very difficult issue deciding on my entree. I kind of felt like they didn’t have that many options, and they most definitely did not have a “healthy” section.They had wraps and soup, but all the meat in the wraps was breaded and deep fried, so I ordered pasta instead. (I love the way my mind works sometimes!) I ordered the Grilled Chicken Pesto Pasta. It just rolls off the tongue, doesn’t it? No? Anyway!

It was pretty tasty. I made sure to check in with myself before I started eating. While I was at the theater, I ordered a small half diet coke, half cherry coke soda. (which is delish, you try if they let you!) and didn’t really have an overwhelming need to eat, even though I could tell I was hungry. I also had a handful of steak fries which were hot and crispy on the outside, and nice and soft on the inside. I approved of those fries. I only need like 5, and was content.

I ended up eating about half of the pasta, and half of the Mango-rita. I always forget that I don’t like tequila. Or drinking in general. (But that’s another story for another day… Spoiler: I always have a drink at restaurants because I always feel like it will make me more fun, when in fact it almost never does. )

Dinner ended around 11pm (not unusual, at least for me), and my friends all decided to go to a local mammoth club, so I was dropped off at home, and had to struggle with being alone again, before I finally made myself go to sleep. I crave solitude, but find its rarely what I want once I have it.

I know there are a lot of mothers reading this so let me say this: BEING AN ONLY CHILD SUCKS AND HAS POTENTIALLY LIFE LONG COMPLICATIONS! (No offense, Mother!)

Twitter- I Has One

Someone in the comments suggested that I get a twitter. I am not new to the twittering world either, but I thought it would be nice to have that instant kind of feedback, plus I can link it to my blog, and everything just seems like a good idea at this point. So I got one. You can follow me at the link below, above or by clicking here. 

Breakfast this morning, was alittle awkward. I was very sad indeed to realize this would be my last bowl of kashi cereal… until I buy another box. I’m not sure when I’ll have a chance to go to the grocery, but hopefully it’ll be soon.

I had a terrible night (as previously mentioned) and when I woke up, I was still stressed about being mad. My feelings tend to linger when they have no right to. I don’t know what to do about that. Perhaps I should stop supressing everything, because I detest any kind of conflict for any reason. Will ponder and get back you on this.

I was feeling groggy, and desperately wanted a mocha and a pastry, as its been two weeks without one. I almost convinced myself that one wouldn’t harm me, but then I remembered it was Hot Dog Friday, and I have plans to attend a going away party this evening. There is a very good chance I won’t get tonight’s post up before tomorrow, because I just don’t know what tonight will bring. (I guess we’ll find out!) ( didn’t finish the soda, and I didn’t eat the chips) Instead, I bought a muffin and a sugar free Rockstar, which is making my heart beat erratically now. Ick.

The going away party is consisting of Sex and the City 2, followed by dinner at Red Robin. I’m glad most chain restaurants have “healthy” menus nowadays. Hopefully I’ll be smart enough to order something from it. But again, only time will tell.

Victory is Mine

The business of food shall commence: breakfast was again a bowl of cereal (I heart cereal). Today it was half kashi, half frosted flakes. Its been quite some time since I’ve had frosted flakes. I let them sit for a while, so by the time I got around to eating them, they had gone soggy.

I was planning on being late to work today because I just didn’t want to go, but ended up being on time, despite myself. It was such a beautiful day out, I felt that if I walked into my office and didn’t have some blended fruit drink in my hand, the world would have surely perished. I’m not entirely sure that’s a correct reason for ordering a Ginseng Power Smoothie, but I figure, protein, ginseng, banana, orange and blueberry can’t all be bad. Pretty sure it was made with a ton of milk, I wasn’t really paying attention. It was super creamy, but I dunno. I enjoyed walking into the office with it, and that was what I wanted to accomplish!

Lunch turned out to be one serving of sweet onion hawaii chips, and the soup I was supposed to eat, but ended up eating that mammoth of a salad from the other day. (yes. That is a recycled picture.)
I have this coworker who just rubs me the wrong way, and so we rarely interact (My supervisor has had to talk to us on two separate occasions because of this). Today however, I managed to get her to talk to one of my clients parents, because I knew that particular person would not take any thing I said as fact. While my co-worker was on the phone with this person, I ate my soup with chips. It was hard to be mindful, because I was paying more attention the conversation around me. For 120 calories it was quite filling.

I of course walked home again, because we have been having the most amazing start to a summer there could possibly be. It seemed like a little slow going at first, but it was 75 here today, and a complete shame I was only able to sneak out for two walks around the block.

Dinner of course, is the creme de la creme. Sticky rice, Stir fry veggies and Shoyu marinated chicken. We bought two breasts last night, and I was able to quarter them with no trouble. I could probably get six servings out of those two pieces, they are that big. And its only serving three….

Okay. Like I’ve mentioned before, I write most of these posts while I’m at work because if I had to write all of that right now, I’d probably cry and give up. Dinner turned into the most distressful affair. We had walked home, and my roommate wasn’t feeling well, and asked me to cook dinner. I was happy to oblige as she had made dinner pretty much every night this week. While I was waiting on the chicken to cook, I was watching tv from the kitchen. Then out of nowhere, she gets up and starts messing with my chicken! I don’t know why this angers me so much, but it does, and I had just shared my chocolate milk with someone I would never think to do that with, because I never share my chocolate milk!– So I stalked off to my room, and locked the door.

I spent two hours deciding whether or not it was reasonable to send myself to bed without eating dinner over this incident.  This stupid ridiculous thing, completely ruined my evening. I couldn’t go downstairs and eat when dinner was done, because I couldn’t figure out if wanting to eat was because of a cellular hunger or an emotional hunger. It was so frustrating, and I how do I explain that kind of … panic to someone, anyone? I don’t think I’m even doing it justice here.

I eventually went down stairs when I was calm enough to recognize that I was legitimately hungry. I ate the food. The rice was gluteny and mushy, the chicken was tough and dry and overly salty. The stir fry veggies were saturated in margarine. I didn’t know what to do. It was basically the worst dinner I’ve ate since living here, ever. I could have easily stopped at three bites, but I was actually hungry. I stopped eating when I got the rest of the chicken down. Then to wash that out, I had some Oreo Cakesters and a crystal light drink.

After I had finished eating, sometime well after midnight, she sneakingly asked me to clean up the kitchen and put the food away. Something I would had been happy to do, after cooking. If I’m going to have the responsibility of cooking, then I want all the privilege of cooking. From start to finish, I don’t want anyone in my kitchen unless I specifically ask for their help. Maybe its petty, and maybe its selfish, but that’s the way I want my kitchen, and I’m pretty sure I made it clear.

But there is victory in this. I could have freaked out and ate everything I could. God knows I wanted to. Instead, I worked out my feelings and their relation to my want of food consumption, until they were completely separate entities. I’m quite proud of myself for that. Its those small victories that matter.

So after all the hoopla, it has gotten quite late and I almost didn’t finish this blog tonight*. I knew that if I didn’t do it tonight, there was a pretty good chance that I wouldn’t get it done before work tomorrow. And then I’m not going to home til late tomorrow night as well, so a very small chance of getting two posts done, and long story short: not posting could lead a serious derailment in all this wonderful progress I’m made so quickly. And so, I did come to post, and I saw that I had gone from 4 to 8 followers! Hello new friends! I can’t wait to get to know you all! This is going to be great! It was really humbling to see that number increase so quickly, and I’m just so happy I’m not alone in this. Not this time.

*You’ll notice that I said tonight, and it posted the next morning. When I was done typing that long diatribe, my internet failed on me. It was one in the morning. I said goodnight. 🙂

Excited to Participate in the Blog Tour!

1. and 2. Before/After Pictures.  
See Below. I’ll randomly disperse two “before” pictures. The first one is from this week, the second one is from last summer.

3.       State the amount of weight you’ve lost. 

 As of Wednesday, I have lost 10 pounds. This is ridiculously exciting to me, because I don’t remember the last time I actually lost weight. Its exciting to see that number go down. I think its probably about average for a first week loss. We’ll see how the following weeks go. Its nothing to get through one week of paying attention to the food I put in my body. Lets see how week two goes.

4.       If you are on a specific eating/exercise plan, what is it?
I am not following any real specific eating/exercise plan.  What I’m doing is tracking everything I eat, making sure everything I eat has a purpose, examining why I eat the things I eat, and seeing if I can make healthier changes. This blog has done a real service to me thus far, because I don’t want people to see my binging. I don’t want to show just how bad it gets sometimes. I had turned mindless eating into an art. And I’ve thought long and hard about everything, but I could never seem to get the dots to connect until just recently. So I’m giving it a real shot now, and if I have a day or two or five where all I do is eat the junkiest of the junkiest kind of food, or the food with the highest fat content, I need to be held accountable for it.  I know there are people out there know exactly what my thought process is, and that they’re trying to do what I’m doing.  

5.       What is your favorite healthy snack? (share a pic if you have one)
I get the munchies. A lot. I used to munch on cookies, chips, breaded things… now I munch on things like grapes, strawberries or carrots. Unsalted peanuts, still in the shell. Carrots are good because they  provide a satisfying crunch and take a while to chew. Grapes are good any season. I particularly like them frozen- they explode like little bombs of delicious in your mouth! 

6.       What is the biggest life lesson you’ve learned on your journey? 
We’ll say that my journey began when I was 8 and some kid told me that eating Taco Bell every night for dinner was making me fat. I didn’t have a comeback. The biggest life lesson I’ve learned is, My mind as it currently exists, is poison. It is a delectable poison, it is a mirage of beauty, but in the long run it exists to destroy everything that is good about me. My mind is my mind. I’ve trained it to be this way. Knowing this, I know I have the ability to train my mind into something that is not poison, that will not destroy me. I’ve already started, and I can tell I’m a better person for it. 

7.       What is the biggest strength you’ve discovered about yourself? 
I am capable.  Of living, of breathing, of making decisions based on facts, and knowing the difference between an emotional response, and a mindful response.

8.       What has been your toughest struggle?
Up until now, it has always been about control. Too much control, not enough control… no control at all. Trying to give up control, giving it over to something/someone else… I DON’T LIKE FEELING CONTROLLED! 

9.       Who has been your biggest supporter and why?
I would love to say anyone but myself. I don’t let people help me. I especially don’t don’t let people help me when it comes to my weight loss, or even talking about it. I think its a shame thing. But if not myself, then my cousin. She’s been there through all of my disordered eating, and has been encouraging in every way she’s able. 

10.   When you get to goal, what will you do next?

It might seem funny, and possibly the antithesis of losing weight, but I currently don’t have a “goal”. I do, I suppose, but its not concrete. I want to be able to shop in regular clothing stores. I want to be able to buckle my seat belt on airplanes. I want to be able to run 5k and 10k marathons. I don’t want to develop diabetes. I don’t want to lose my limbs. I don’t want my heart to give out because it just can’t work as hard as it has been. I want to feel desirable. I want to look on the outside how I’ve always felt on the inside. Those are my goals. Whatever weight I’m at, when I can finally scratch all those things off as accomplished, is perfect. Until then, I’ll just watch the numbers go down, and my capability and self esteem go up.

11.   What do you wish someone had told you when you first began? 
I understand that this question is asking, “…first began the weight loss journey?” But I’m going to answer a different ending. “What do you wish someone had told you when you first began your disordered eating?” 
Eating food isn’t going to fix your problems and neither is not eating it. We need food to live. That’s always been the case. You’re going to hate yourself later for all the choices you’ve made now. And when you finally get around to “fixing” it, its going to be harder than you ever imagined. Whenever you’re ready to get to “fixing” it, I’ll be there to help you along the way, the best I know how. And even if you hate yourself, just know, I love you and think you are amazing. Because you are.

12.   Share any other words of wisdom you want to share.
Eating food isn’t going to fix your problems and neither is not eating it. We need food to live. That’s always been the case. You’re going to hate yourself later for all the choices you’ve made now. And when you finally get around to “fixing” it, its going to be harder than you ever imagined. Whenever you’re ready to get to “fixing” it, I’ll be there to help you along the way, the best I know how. And even if you hate yourself, just know, I love you and think you are amazing. Because you are.
13.    Please Visit Laura at: http://journeytoafitmama.blogspot.com/


I Will Not Deny Myself if There is No Problem

As previously mentioned today, I had Kashi Go Lean Crunch and Cinnamon Toast Crunch for my cereal today. I ate it again with regular cow milk, and I can really feel the difference in my body afterward. I feel heavy and slow, and kind of sick to my stomach. Do Not Like.

As I was preparing for my work day, my coworker texted me and asked if I’d like to eat out for lunch. PANIC!!!!!
I wasn’t sure if I should eat breakfast, and then I wasn’t sure if what I should eat if I ate breakfast, because I don’t go into work until Noon, three days out of five. It terrified me to have to figure out how to eat “healthy” while eating out so soon. I’m not sure I managed it correctly this time around.

I ended up ordering a BLT salad at this new restaurant close to my work. I knew the portions would be astounding when, after ordering a strawberry lemonade, they directed me to a 24 oz. mason jar, and then told me to fill it up. ( I took a picture for posterity, but I couldn’t get it to upload. Boo.)

The salad of course, was spectacular. Do you see all that ranch? Do you see the four strips of bacon, chopped up beneath all of that ranch? Do you see the 6 ounces of cheese sitting on that plate? I COULD I HAVE DIED if I ate all of it. But I was good- I was real good. I ate slowly, I listened to my stomach, I put my fork down frequently, and I only ate the parts that I wanted. I ended up eating two of the cheese chunks, a bite of the deviled egg, and all of the bacon. When I decided I could eat no more, there was 4 ounces of cheese and two cups of romaine lettuce still on my plate.

And then they served us an after dinner raspberry truffle. It was light and fluffy, and occurred to me that I had never had a truffle that was chocolate all the way through. This one was more cakey, if you will.

I walked home from work, and was very tempted to just eat whatever was lying around, namely mini corn dogs, and frozen pizza. We ate all the decent food. Instead, my roommate and I stopped by the locally owned grocery and picked up some green beans, and porkchops. We made Huli-Huli pork chops this evening.

I worry about all the sauce that it was cooked in, as it was probably about two cups worth, and then the pork just cooked in it as the sauce slowly reduced, and eventually turned into a glaze. These pork chops were perfectly delectable. I wasn’t talking during the dinner conversation, but I was the last one to finish eating. I thoroughly enjoyed every single bite. Each one was a new surprise. The green beans were tasteless, as they had been boiled in water. I never understood boiling vegetables. They don’t taste like anything by the time your done unless you drown them in butter and salt (which was what my roommate wanted to do, but I kinda talked her out of it), and then they’re just down right unhealthy and not worthy of being called a vegetable.

No, that’s not right. Vegetables shouldn’t have to give up their right to be vegetables, just because some human decides to smother them in saturated delicious fat! They’ve become victims, not unlike those who are eating said veggies.

And then, because I just felt like I didn’t have enough sugar today, I had a bowl of Reese Pieces cereal with plain soy milk. I finally got some more! I was so relieved to be using it instead, it was like a welcome home party in my mouth!

I always feel like I have to rush while eating cereal because if I don’t it will get soggy. The only bad part about it becoming soggy is that its not as fun to eat anymore. Even as I enjoyed the flavor and the texture, I was eating alone again, and I was bored out of my mind. I won’t lie: The second my roommate had walked out the door, I had opened one of the cupboards, looking for a snack.

But I figure, right now I have managed to completely cut out my after work binging. One bowl of cereal does not constitute a binge. three plus a bag of popcorn and the rest of my Oreo Cakesters and some hot-dogs is more of a binge. So, I’m going to call today successful. And remember to never order a salad from that restaurant again!

Alone I Am

This morning, I tried really hard to eat some oatmeal and cinnamon apple sauce. It didn’t work. I just cannot stand the texture of oatmeal. It was suggested to me that I use less liquid, but I’m always worried that there won’t be enough for it to full be “cooked through”. I dunno. I guess I just don’t understand the process of oatmeal making. Instead, I stole the regular cow milk from my neighbor, and had a bowl of cereal; half Kashi Go Lean Crunch, half honey bunches of oats, with strawberries. And Ovaltine in my milk, because I only eat cereal with chocolate milk.

Lunch was supposed to be the soup pictured, but instead I had left over spaghetti. That was an impulse I’m trying to fix. I ate the spaghetti in front of my computer. I kept trying to turn away from my computer, but there was always something I needed to check before I could settle in.  I’ve decided that food is pretty boring if there isn’t moving pictures to accompany it.

I also ended up not eating the chocolate pudding. That really exists for those moments when if I don’t have something chocolate IMMEDIATELY, I’ll kill someone. Its weird how just knowing that its there is usually enough to keep me from eating it. I think its a, “Well if I eat it now, I can’t eat it later,” mentality.

I tried so hard to to finish this post last night, but I didn’t get around to writing it until midnight…. I really must remember to write the bulk of these things while at work. Its the only place I have time!

For dinner, I had huli-huli chicken, rice and corn on the cob, that was smothered in margarine. I snuck just the smalled piece of cheese as well. I couldn’t help myself. It was small enough to just slip right into my awaiting mouth, and no one would ever know. By walking from my neighbors, back to my house, I probably would have burned off any caloric contribution it brought. But I took a picture anyway. Those are the rules.

The chicken was pretty good. A little dry, maybe. It was grilled on the George Foreman Grill. I’ve never really been a fan of that thing, mostly because I don’t know what the temperature is on it. And then when it gets too hot, it automatically shuts down. But it never shuts down after I’m done cooking, its always while I’m on my last piece of whatever is being grilled, and that last piece is still pink inside!

I chose the plate with the smallest piece of chicken- two chicken tenders. I tried to eat each bite like it was my first, but after the first handful, I really wasn’t interested at that point.

I’m a very picky corn eater. I can’t eat hot corn on the cob due to heat sensistitivey. So far, its the only thing I know I can’t eat thats steaming straight out of the oven. I don’t really understand it, but I always put my corn in the freezer after cooking it til it cools down enough. The colder, the better, as long as it hasn’t frozen through!
After the first few bites, I decided that I did not like the cold melted margarine on my corn, and tried to wipe it off as best I could. It probably would have been slightly tastier with salt, but I just… don’t put extra salt on my food.

No, when I have a craving, it usually some sort of sugar. By the time dinner was over, it was close to 11:30pm, so I decided to call it a night. My roommate went over to our neighbors house, and I immediately started thinking of all the things I could scarf down now that she was gone. I wanted everything, so I tried pausing to slow down and think through my feelings. I felt alone and abandoned, again. So I went for some fake Oreos, and a Cherry Coca Cola. I stopped taking pictures of everything I drink because I drink a lot of fluids everyday, and I know this blog is already image heavy. But, in the interest of disclosure, I drank that soda with the worst intentions, and so it should be mentioned.