Fabulous

Today, everything is fabulous. I just bought my plane ticket to go visit my mom in Portland in August. I even bought a return ticket, so yay! I went on a three mile walk this morning, which was completed in just under 1 hour! I think I had about 7 minutes to spare. Super proud of myself.

And now, I’m just trying to think of something to write. I had a 7 pound weight fluctuation from yesterday to today. I am doing great only eating when I’m hungry. I actually am having a hard time deciding if I’m hungry right now or not. I don’t have any other food to eat, and I feel like I could eat an entire elephant and still be hungry by the end of it. Perhaps I’m lacking a certain vitamin or nutrient of some sort, and I’m hungry for that specifically. I only wish I knew what it was so I didn’t eat everything while trying to find out.

You know what sucks? Having all these great ideas for blog posts, and then not writing them out because I don’t want to overwhelm myself.  Because now I have all this time, and nothing to say. Life is grand.

Tiptoeing My Way to 5k

I did my first day of C25k (for the second time) yesterday. It was pretty much amazing. At one point, I had to remind myself to stay slow and steady, to not try and push too hard. I felt like a racehorse at the starting line.  But I knew even if I couldn’t feel it in that minute, I would feel it when I was done. Each run segment was a challenge, and more I did one, and then finished one, the more I wanted to just keep going.

I have never felt compelled to run before in my life. Ever. This is an entirely new feeling. Even when I was “eating healthy” and “exercising 4-5 times a week at the gym” I never felt the need to run. Yesterday though, it was all I could do to hold myself back. When I got to the last segment for running, I was so ecstatic! I had basically said “screw it” and did a very slow exaggerated victory run to the finish.

It took me a good 4 hours to calm down. It was epic.

Of course now, I can barely convince myself out of bed. I honestly didn’t end up feeling as bad as I thought I would. But I’m cold, and can’t seem to warm up, and that’s never been an issue for me before.

I would like tot make this post more involved, but if I’m going to run that 5k in August, I’d better get started!

 This picture was taken about an hour after I had finished. I have this welt/pimple thing right underneath my eye. It annoys me, and it itched real bad last night so I kept rubbing it.

Motivation’s Death is the Start of a New Beginning

These last couple of weeks have been tumultuous at best, and down right heartbreaking at worst. My grandfather passing was not unexpected. In fact, as I’ve said before, its one of two deaths I was waiting for this year. When I got the news, my weight was 309.something. Yesterday is was 314.2. Thats about a five pound gain, and considering all the snacking I’ve done and stress I’ve been under, I’m not entirely surprised. The good news is, during the worst of it, my weight got up to 317, so I have been averaging out a little bit.

Despite all the stress and sadness, I’ve continued walking home from work every evening, and getting in at least one walk each weekend, even if its not very long or hard. I’ve been trying to pay attention to my food, but a lot of my meals are either eaten in front of my computer, the tv, or in secret. <—That needs to stop asap. And I have been listening to my body, but it seems like I’m just never really that hungry, so I fell into old habits of, “Its breakfast? I must eat breakfast. Its lunch time? I must eat lunch. Its dinner, you say? Well, then I must eat dinner.” That habit is definitely a little harder to break than the others. And while I haven’t been photographing everything, I am usually aware of what I’m eating, and whether or not I actually want it, if not whether or not I’m actually hungry and it will satisfy that hunger. I’ve been giving in to impulses and cravings on occasion. But there is still an underline of mindfulness. 

I’m getting bored now though. I think at this point, I need something to focus in on. I need a goal to reach. Originally, I wasn’t planning on setting goals because I just wanted to focus on my food intake and start noticing what makes me tick. Well, I have:

  • I crave solitude but hate feeling lonely or abandoned. 
  • I have kitchen issues because I have food issues.  (The issue being, don’t touch my food!)
  • Strongly dislike spending time with my roommate while she’s spending time with her boyfriend. 
  • Stress and boredom lead me to the kitchen. 
  • As soon as I’m alone, the first thing I do is see what I can eat. 
  • I internalize everything. Alone. 

 Food basically calms me down. It gives me a purpose. Food doesn’t reject you. It will always say, “eat me!”

Everything is changing right now. My roommate is leaving in the middle of July. I’m starting college in the fall. I thought I was moving, but apparently I am not.With all these changes happening, I need something to work towards. Something that’ll get me out of the house, keep me active and fill up my ever expanding free time before I’m shut in all winter with nothing but books and a new kitty to keep me company.

So, starting to today, I am officially going to start training to run a 5k. My goal will be to run in the Snow City Cafe 5k Race on August 15th, 2010. The number on the scale, its important. Seeing it go down is important. Feeling healthy, strong, and capable is much more important, I think. I know the best way to get this weight off is by exercising, because I love food.

I have had an emotional love affair with food for nearly 20 years, and I know that counting calories and cutting things out completely is not going to help me in the long run. Its just going to piss me off and leave me discouraged. Knowing what I’m eating and why I’m eating it is also very important, and I will continue to focus on that as well.

But exercise, well now. That’s a whole other ball game, isn’t it? While its possible to exercise too much, its a lot easier to recognize when you’ve had enough, when you need to do more, and having a tangible goal at the end that must be accomplished in order to record ones success is right there as opposed to an “arbitrary” number on a scale. Completing a 5k will mean that I am capable of running 3 miles. If thats something I can accomplish at 300 pounds, then great. How cool will my body be for pulling that off? If in the process of training, I lose more weight than I did when I wasn’t training, then thats cool too. I’ll still be able to run 3.1 miles at the end. (Not going to lie: I can’t wait to see how much weight melts off me from training!) (and hopefully my legs won’t collapse beneath my weight.)

Of course I will continue to eat as mindfully as I am able, and hopefully this new goal will further encourage me to listen carefully to my body’s needs and take care of them accordingly.

I’m so excited right now!

Rising out of the Fog

I know what I have to do and it scares the hell out of me. I’ve started over many times before and this time, instead of facing it head on, brash, and with a half made plan, I’m carefully analyzing every detail, every potential outcome, and I just don’t see how any good long term effects are going to come.

The main reason I’m moving to Denver, is to spend more time with my grandma and uncle before they pass. I found out yesterday that my grandma intends to sell her house, a house I’ve only visited a handful of times in my life, to go live in a retirement community. Its one of the saddest things I’ve ever heard. I understand that its for the best, and I applaud her for being clear minded enough to know that she’s going to need the additional assistance. I think I’m mostly just sad for me, and that this whole family that I’ve never really had the opportunity to know, is dying by inches.

My father died two years ago. I’d love to write about it, and perhaps I will another day. I’m at work right now, and I don’t want to start crying. Again.

Part of me is excited about this move. Out of all the places I had considered, Denver was never one of them, because I always felt like I didn’t particularly like it. But then, I haven’t spent a lot of time there, either. As I wandered down the city streets this spring, while visiting my cousin, I tried to see myself hiking the mountains, shopping in the shops, finding new interesting places to hang out. I tried to imagine what my new friends might look like, where they might come from. I tried imagining going to the university downtown, living near City Park, and generally being happy. I tried and I couldn’t.

I need a job. I need to enroll myself into college. I need my own apartment. I  need a car. I need to learn to drive. (I feel guilty about saying I need a car, what with the Gulf of Mexico fiasco and all. But its the truth.) I need a plane ticket. I need as much money as I can muster so I can get all those things.

I’m worried about everything, it seems. I’m worried about my family becoming sicker the longer I wait to move. I’m worried about my credit getting in the way of my housing and potentially transportation. I’m worried I won’t be able to find a job once I get there. I’m worried I’ll move there and still won’t interact with my family. I’m worried I won’t be accepted into the school I want to get into. I’m worried I won’t be able to afford tuition. I’m worried my boss will be disappointed in me. I’m worried I’ll move and nothing will really change. I’ll use it as an excuse to eat all the time, or eat badly all the time. I’m worried I won’t be able to breathe.

I’m terrified that every thing will work out according to plan. I never count on that. I wonder if that’s why it never stays on course? I always plan for the worst case scenario, and build off that. I always have an idea of what a perfect scenario would be, but perfection isn’t reliable, especially when its mostly fantasy.

I wish I could delay everything until December. That way I could follow through with the commitments I already have here, and wouldn’t have that extra layer of guilt. Of course, then I remember my dad telling my grandma and uncle that he was going to out to Denver and take care of them. He just needed a year to get things together and do it. He died three months later.

If not me, then who? 
If not now, then when?

I’m making myself sick going over my options, trying to figure out my best course of action. I feel like a sperm trying to impregnate an egg. bouncing around, trying to find a good spot to hop in before someone else does, and the game is over. Or before time just runs out in general and the game is still over. The clock is definitely ticking.



Also, I apologize for the over use of “I” statements. I’m a pretty self involved person.
Side note number two: all the food pictured is from yesterday 06/16/10

Every Day is a New Day

An Explanation of Sorts:

It is very tedious trying to take pictures of everything I eat. I allowed myself to get lazy about it because I’m upset. There is way more here than pictured that I ate, only I don’t actually remember what they were.

Every day is a new day. This morning, I woke up early. I was refreshed. I hopped right out of bed and went for a mile walk. there are these stairs that I walk down every day. I never walk up them, only down them. Well, today I walked up them. There are three platforms till the bottom in this picture. Every section has approximate 22 stairs. There are four more platforms that are not in this picture that have approximately 14 stairs. I walked up every single one. And then I turned around and walked down them again. It was amazing to feel new muscles being used, and stretched and pushed. The good sore feeling pushed me all the way home where I had breakfast of string cheese and a fat free yogurt. it has been a very good morning, indeed. I’m ready and happy to go to work today.

Why the sudden change in mood? (You guys don’t really know this, but I’ve been in a state of panic for about a week now.) Because last night I was reminded that I can’t keep doing what I’m doing. For the first time in a long time, I was losing weight. I was feeling proud of myself. I stopped caring how the world viewed me for seconds at a time. I looked in the mirror and wasn’t confused by what I saw. And I let it go. I allowed myself to let it go. “Give yourself a break,” I thought. “You’re grieving,” says my subconscious. “You can’t be expected to do everything all the time.”

Last night after having this amazing philly cheese and garlic salted fries for lunch at 4:30, I ate dinner at 10pm. It was delicious lemon chicken fettuccine Alfredo. It was the first purposeful meal I sat down to and didn’t snap a picture of.

I won’t lie. I’ve been doing a lot of snacking that has not been photographed. I’m letting myself get away with it, and I know its wrong. The photographs are there to keep me accountable, and they’ve worked. But I’m only accountable to myself.

I thought to myself last night while I was eating a dinner I wasn’t particularly hungry for if i don’t fix this right now, who will? When will it happen? If not me, then who? If not now, then when?

Waking up this morning was like rising out of the fog. I know what I have to do. Today I’m ready to do it.

Accomplished: Alaska Run for Women (Except I Walked)

Boy am I glad I went out and bought a sugar free Red Bull last night. I knew I was going to need it this morning.
I know I’ve gone on about the sun here in Alaska, but man, I just don’t remember it affecting me like this last year. I didn’t get to bed until two, and just as I was falling asleep, my roommate finally came home, and was loud until about 6 am, when my alarm went off for the first time because I knew I was going to need additional time in waking up.

I made sure to get some good stretching in, as well as two large glasses of water, and made some eggs with cinnamon chip bread. I ate half of the slice before the walk, and the other half well after the walk was over.

So, I live near where the event was taking place, and decided it’d be convenient for me to walk, and it was. Just not so much walking home. My legs felt like led at that point, and every step jarred my hips, something I usually don’t have an issue with. The path was actually part of the route, and so I got to walk the same mile three times today.  It winds underneath two of the busiest roads in Anchorage and deposits you right next to the Sullivan Arena. Once I reached there, I went to where I was told to meet up: at the port-a-potties near the back. I went there, and didn’t see a single person from when we decorated shirts on Thursday. Granted, there were only four people at the decorating party, but still. I did my part and showed up on time, where were they?

http://www.flickr.com/apps/slideshow/show.swf?v=71649

Finally, the last call for stragglers was called, and the crowd moved through to the parking lot where the walk actually began. There I saw an entire wall of portapotties. Encouraged, i started hanging out near the back, as explained to earlier. But alas, I still couldn’t find anyone.

I was in a sea of people. The goal was to have 10,000 women sign up this year. They didn’t reach it, but they did get 7100 women registered, which is pretty amazing. I love how active Anchorage’s community is. I think the announcer said something about it being the 3rd largest women’s only run in the country, but I can’t be sure. Either way, it was amazing to see all the different teams, the survivors of Breast Cancer, and all the love that was there.  Being me of course, I brought my headphones and ipod, and turned it up full blast. I occasionally took my earbuds out to hear the bands as we walked by, and I know if I had left them out, eventually someone would have tried to talk to me. But I couldn’t. I needed my security blanket to get through this walk.

The walk takes us downtown, then wraps around the Tony Knowles Coastal Trail, before heading back to the arena. At one part of the walk, during mile 3, we go very close indeed to my house, and my legs were killing me at that point, and it took every ounce of strength in me to continue onward. I credit 98% of my willpower to continue onward to this blog and its readers. I didn’t want to disappoint you, or  more importantly, explain any potential disappointment in myself. When I finally made it through the pink finish line, I was excited, but I was tired. I was already considering how I was going to get home. I briefly considered calling a cab, but thought that if I’m going to be a Walker today, then I was going to be a BAMF about it and walk home too. All together I walked 7 miles.

Minutes after crossing the finish line, I walk over to the water station and grab a cup. I look over to find the nearest trash, and who should I see, but one of my team members! Yay! Finally! Apparently they hadn’t been able to find anyone else either. So we snapped a couple of pictures, and went on our way.

I went home, slowly, talking on the phone with my mother the whole way. There were so many times when I just wanted to sit down, and take a break. I know my body though, and knew if I sat down before I was really ready, I would not get up. I would not be able to, or if I was able to, it was hurt more than it did already.

I took a shower for as long as I could stand to be on my feet, and then crawled into bed. Once in bed, I fell asleep.  I woke up around 5pm, disoriented and in a lot of pain. My right hip and my left knee were just on fire. Finally I considered the day a success. I love the feeling of my body being worn out. Its oddly rewarding.

How did you feel after your first walk/run event?

Before the Weekend Begins

Warning: I have a huge spoiler for Where the Wild Things Are in the Center of this post. If you are like I was, and have not seen it, and do not wish to be spoiled, please be ware.

I’m one of those people who don’t leave the house once they’re “done with the day”. I mean, once I get home from work, I don’t want to go out to dinner. I don’t to go shopping. I don’t want to wear clothes that aren’t my pajamas. But occasionally, and more frequently with having friends, it happens.

Yesterday could have been another one of those days. However, it so happened that I had stuff to do before I went home.<— Ah. Yes. See, that little loophole? I can pretty much be convinced to do anything if it includes 1) getting out of work early 2) involves food, movies, is relatively inexpensive, or a combination 3) means I don’t have to go home right away because if I go home right away I DONT DO ANYTHING.

So yesterday, I left work early (there’s number 1) to go eat a Popsicle at the park (2) whilst decorating my shirt for the Alaska Run for Women on Saturday. Just as I was finishing my shirt, my neighbor swung by and picked me up so we could go to the new IMAX theatre and see a $2 movie with $2 soda and $2 popcorn (the 2 trifecta). We didn’t get home until about midnight (and lucky number 3).

See, I don’t mind doing that. I maybe even enjoy it. But I can’t go home because once I’m home, I’m done for the day. I don’t understand it. My mother is the same way. She’s even more hardcore about it though. She’ll wake up super early, get all her chores, and errands done by noon, and pack it in for the rest of the day. Wouldn’t crawl out of bed or off the couch unless it was on fire. hmm.

Coming back from the movie, I promised my neighbor that I would buy her Wendy’s because I owed her for a dinner, and the ticket, and she was in a really bad mood in general. I bought a chicken nugget meal, and only ate half my nugs, and half my fries. I tried ordering a salad, and they told me NO. What was a girl to do? (Yeah I know- not order it. I wasn’t hungry but I hadn’t eaten dinner. It was that weird mind trap.) Its okay because I did not stuff myself, and when I felt that I was going there, I stopped. Barely, but I did it.

—–> MOVIE REVIEW BEGIN<—–

Yesterday was the first time I saw Where the Wild Things Are. I don’t really remember the book, I just remember the author. Maurice Sendak. Oh how I loved him. He spoke to my 4 year old soul. I’m 24 years old and still watch Little Bear. I would still read it too, if I had any of my books left. Little Bear taught me to read.  Max, this super interesting kid who has a very active imagination, and not nearly enough attention, demands food from his mother, then runs away into a near by forest, which is on the edge of water. There he finds a boat and ends up in high seas, before crashing into an island far away. And thats where this little boys imagination psychosis starts to unravel. Monsters. Monsters that are destroying things, and having a trantrum almost as big as his own. At one point, the bird monster, Douglas has a limb removed physically from his body, and sand torrents out of the empty space it used to occupy. Douglas was described at the one that would do anything for you, always the one you want on your team.

I don’t remember this book at all. At. All.

Luckily, Max comes to his senses and leaves, howling into the dark until the island fades, and the sun goes down. Suddenly he’s running down the street into his house, then tiptoes into the kitchen. His mother hugs him, and gives him dinner.

The End.

So, it was good because it was visually stunning, the set was jaw dropping, Max Records is adorable, and I was watching it on a 70 ft. wide screen. If I was 10 years old watching that, I would have fallen asleep. If I was 10 years old and didn’t fall asleep, it was because the screen was also 40 ft tall, and thats just kind of cool no matter how old you are. This theater blocks out the view of the mountains.

Maybe this is a little childish of me, but the song in the background during the trailer? It’s in the movie. I waited with abated breath for a sweeping aerial scene, something of epic proportions (of which the movie had many), and it never did. I was pissed. I walked away feeling like I never needed to see it again, but I don’t think that’s a bad thing. It’ll haunt me every time I look back to it in my mind. I’m sure I will watch it again, though currently I don’t feel the need to. I’ll remember every feeling, good or bad, the fort they made, and the perplexing ending that will leave me to wonder, what happens next?

—–>MOVIE REVIEW END<—–

 

Today was absolutely impossible to get out of bed. The only reason  I didn’t truly consider going into work today was because my co-worker texted me that she wasn’t going in, first. Bitch. So I stopped by the AK Cake Studio, and grabbed a apple coffee cake, and a raspberry mocha. The Cake Studio is relatively new, and prior to May, I would go there up to three times a week to grab a coffee and a pastry for breakfast. It had been a while, and I missed it.

The Apple Coffee Cake was delicious. I’ve had it a few times before, but only noticed that there were actually apples in it for the first time today. My mocha was ice cold by the time I had chugged the end of it down, nearly two hours after its purchase. I wasn’t paying too much mind while eating the coffee cake. Just as I started to eat it, I was interrupted by a client and had to assist them for a good hour or so. But it just seemed to last forever. At one point I looked down and was surprised at how much was left. I picked up the last 3rd of it, and nibbled down on it until nothing was left.

I finished eating around 11:30am. My coworkers asked me to go to lunch with them at 12:15pm. Had this happened on Monday, I would have went, regardless of the 1200 calories (or there abouts) I had just consumed less than an hour before.

Around 2:30pm, I got really intense hunger pains. Hunger pains that made me feel if I did not attend to them immediately, I would pass out. I had considered going to get a reindeer dog (amazing, and low carb/fat… until you add the bun. And cheese. And onions caramelized in Coca-Cola.) but there was this other sidewalk vendor, who was new this summer, and I wanted to try it. Its called Smitty’s and it serves Poutine. Never heard of it? Neither had I, until I read the linked article. Its fries, cheese curds, and brown gravy. Its a “dieter’s” worst nightmare, and utterly scrumptious. Luckily, the walk to get it and back from my office was nearly a mile, I had already made one round around the block, and it wasn’t raining and so I walked home. The gooey cheese, and soggy fries were sinful. It could easily become the new comfort food. I’m sorry for even writing about it, but if you ever come to Anchorage in the summer, you should make a stop by there. Or go to Quebec, because apparently that’s where its super popular.

So today has been a very high calorie day, I imagine it won’t get much better, but the good news is, I’m not hungry, and I know when to recognize when I am. I think I’ll be munching on fruit, edamame, and gum for the rest of the evening though. Maybe one of those Skinny Cow ice cream sandwiches. Maybe.