The Difference it Makes

I’m so excited to go food shopping tonight after work. I’m not picking up a lot, just some staples that I’ve been without, and make the rest of my daily food choices that much more difficult.

As a person who doesn’t drive, it isn’t always easy for me to get to the grocery store. Well, getting there is easy enough. Figuring out how to cart home $100 worth of food: not so much. Often, I’ll go with my neighbor, but she isn’t very reliable, and well, my cupboards are down to their barebones. I still have a bit of chicken left, which is great. However, this month I forgot to stock up on vegetables, fresh or frozen (I don’t eat canned veggies). I bought about $30 worth of fruit at the beginning of the month, but no veggies.

So tonight after work, this is whats on my list to pick up:

  • frozen stirfry veggies
  • baby spinach
  • cherry or plum tomatoes
  • 1 quart regular milk
  • half gallon soy milk
  • cherries
  • huli huli sauce
  • sesame chicken ramen noodles (I only want them for the sesame oil packets that comes inside… I don’t need a whole bottle right now!)
  • bacon
  • whole grain bread
  • hot cocoa OR a bar of dark chocolate. (I haven’t decided which yet)
  • feta cheese

 I haven’t had cereal in a week. Because I haven’t been eating cereal, I’ve been eating “other foods”. Foods aren’t “breakfast foods”. Foods that don’t sufficiently fill me up. Foods that don’t demand to be eaten a certain way. (“Oh Lily! Hey, its me Banquet Frozen Dinner! Turkey Meal flavored! I noticed that ever since Milk went away, you’ve been searching for something… new. Well, why don’t you try me out?” “Its Breakfast, Turkey Dinner. Not Dinner.” “So? I’m here, aren’t I?” “True. Why not?”) Repeat meals are kind of boring, but at least I don’t have to wonder what to eat! And besides, I really enjoy my morning cereal. I always feel like I’ve started my day correctly when I eat it.

Having good proper food in the house makes it easier to eat healthier. Whats on your grocery list?

New goal: Completely deep clean kitchen and remove all junk food items.

If I Don’t do this Now, I Never Will

I feel like the last couple of weeks I’ve been falling apart by pieces. Overall, I feel exactly the same as I did yesterday, and last week, or even 6 months ago. I mean, I feel lonely all the time. This past weekend, my roommate finally moved away, back to Ohio. This was good for her- she needed out. This is bad for me, because I’m already a naturally quiet loner type. And now, I go home to an empty house, to watch tv all by myself to cook and eat dinner all by myself. I’ve been all by myself for years. I’m over it. (Oh, I can’t tell you how badly I don’t want a roommate though…)

Confession: The excuse I’ve been using to put off updating this blog more often is: “I haven’t uploaded any of the pictures I’ve taken yet!”

Last weekend before my roommate left, I went on a 7 mile walk, to prepare for my half Marathon in August. It was a beautiful day out, and the trail I took follows right along the ocean. It was quiet, and breezy. It took about 3 hours all together, and I was positively exshausted afterwards. But I felt so accomplished and proud.

So I used it as an excuse to eat however I wanted, whatever I wanted for the next two days. *growls at self*

This is something I’ve noticed I’ve done in the recent past as well. I have a week of good days, finally see the number drop a fair amount on the scale, and become so excited that…. I eat. Even worse, I give myself permission to eat all those things I didn’t have permission to eat the week before.  So my weight drops, then two days later its like it never happened, and I lose those same 3 pounds all over again. Its a bitter cycle, one I hadn’t prepared for.

How do you all reward yourself?  Is it a conscious thing, or a subconscious thing? Any ideas how I can go about rewarding myself with things that aren’t food?

Redefining a Goal

The last couple of weeks, I’ve been trying to do the Couch 2 5k program. It started out easy, and after Monday, when I repeated Week 2 Day 3 for a third time, I realized that trying to jog 3.1 miles in 4 more weeks was going to be suicide. I’m just not there yet. And I’m okay with that. The reason I jumped for something that might be unattainable is because I was looking for something challenging that I knew I could do. At some point, yes, I will be able to run 3.1 miles. Now that I know I can move my body, and enjoy its bulbous swaying, I know I can look forward to this. In the future.

Instead, what I will be doing is walking a half marathon. 13 miles in six or less hours. Right now, I know I can walk about 5 miles before I feel like falling over dead. I am very confident in myself to achieve this new goal in the 4 weeks allotted to me.

Originally, I had decided that as a gift to myself for completing the 5k, I would buy a new phone. Now that my goal has changed, (and all of my plans have changed) I decided that I will purchase a gym membership upon my completion of walking the half marathon. I figure, if I can dedicate myself to a half marathon, then I can dedicate myself to a gym. Come September, its going to start getting cold, and dark, and I’ll be in school and working 12 hours a day. If I don’t have a place outside of my house to decompress, I’m not sure I’ll make it through another winter.

Something I’ve learned about myself: I enjoy the feeling of accomplishment. Everyday I finished a C25k segment, I wanted to cheer. Hell, I did cheer. I didn’t think I’d get through it, but I did. But I know now that my progress with the program is going to slow dramatically until I get some of this fat off, and take the pressure off my knees.

Half Marathon August 15th. Anyone want to join me in preparing for this monstrous event? Its gonna be fun!

Back to Being Accountable

For breakfast I ate a bowl of cereal. It was a rather large bowl of cereal and I was really bored while eating it. My favorite part is when the strawberries become moist again, and are like little chewy candies, because lets be honest; Freeze-dried fruit never tastes the same after ward.

I did all the right things this morning before I left work. I packed my lunch. Chicken Noodle soup and two bags of peanuts still in their shell. I brought a box of Wild Strawberry Crystal Light (one package has the same amount of caffeine as 1 cup of coffee) I figured I would just let the peanuts sit in my desk so I had something to munch on when I finally realized I had finally felt hungry, but didn’t want to eat a large amount of food.

And then my roommate decided that we needed pizza for lunch instead. After the weekend I had, you would have thought I would say NO! NO MORE GREASE FAT! Instead I said, “bring it on!” I ordered two garlic chicken slices, and a 20oz of Vault.

The thing I keep having to remind myself of is, according to my rules I can eat whatever I want. I should want the healthy things, and sometimes I do. I love mowing down on some fruit. The idea is to prove to myself that I can order things like pizza and not let it ruin the rest of my day. To order things like pizza, and know when to stop eating.

Something I’ve noticed these last few weeks: When I do really good, I reward myself with food, which ruins all the good I’ve done.

Must fix that.

New Rule: If I weigh myself in the morning, I have to post it on this here blog. Today’s weight: 312.8

Some Kid Called Me Fat Again

“Fat fuck!”



“Go Visit Jenny Craig, you fat bitch!”

It always suprises me how mean people can be sometimes. I was minding my own business, sitting on the bench, waiting for the bus and looking at my ipod, trying to figure out what to listen to. Suddenly, I hear a shout, and as I look up, a car drives by with some kid hanging out. I realized he yelled, “Fat fuck!” at me.

“Me?” I asked myself.  In an instant I thought, “But I’m not fat! Oh wait… yes. On the outside, I am.”

I don’t feel fat unless I’m entirely aware of it. I wasn’t aware of it in that moment. At that moment, I was planning out how long it would take to charge my headphones that had just died so I could go on Week 2 Day 2 of Couch to 5K. I was feeling proud of myself and this dumb kid has to smash my allusions about myself and remind me that society has an issue with the way I currently look. Remind me that I am fat. Its not often I feel fat, but i did just as soon has he drove off. That feeling lasted for the rest of the day. Looking back on it today, I allowed what happened to control my emotions, and stuffed my face. I ate until I was full, and then I ate again. I couldn’t even tell you what went into my mouth this weekend. There was no mindfulness. There was no self efficacy. There was me feeling fat, confused and alone. So I ate.

What I don’t understand is why people would do something like that in the first place. Why is it okay to make fun of fat people? Or people who are different to begin with? Is it funny to call a fat person names? How could a fat person possibly make someone feel so inferior about themselves that they would have to shoot the fat person down first, in order to what? Feel stronger? Bigger? Better? I don’t get it. I don’t. 

I remember deciding when I was a very young child that I didn’t want anyone making fun of me, so I wouldn’t do it to them.  And yet, it still happens. I go out of my way to avoid situations where I could risk exposure to humiliation, or laughter at my expense, and still it happens. They pick that one thing I can’t seem to control. The weight, my shield.

I mean, dammit. I was just waiting for the bus. Why did he have to be so mean?

The next day, I went on Week 2 Day 1 of C25K. I got shin splints from not striking with my heel, so it was pretty impossible to pull my toes/foot back up. I walked home, in tears feeling defeated. That was the first time I had been unable to complete a day. I realized I only have 5 weeks to get myself up to running 3.1 miles.

So i continued to eat some more.

Finally, The 4th arrived, and while it took me some time to get out the front door, once I did, I completed Week 2 Day 1. But there was no joy. Just pain. I limped home, and my roommate and I played Scrabble until our party started at 4pm.   And then I ate some more. Bean dip, tortilla chips, hamburgers, hot dogs, two kinds of cookies, beer, and baked macaroni and cheese. Ate until stuffed, then passed out upstairs in my room for a good two hours.

Today, I did Week 2 Day 2 of C25k, which is the same as Week 2 Day 1. Day 3 will be the same as well. And I worry that I’ll need to keep doing this week, but more importantly, if I want this thing to go right, then I’m going to need to be very focused on my success. Its been very easy for me this far to allow myself to be mindless, or be mindful of taste, but not hunger. I’m not being very accountable.

Clearly, I still need help with the emotional outbursts, and a better way to recognise and handle them. I really like when I first started this journey when I got made at my roommate, and put myself in timeout because I couldn’t figure out if I wanted to eat because I was mad, or hungry. Thats what I should have done this weekend, but I didn’t.

Its okay. I know my punishment for this kind of behavior. The punishment is, staying fat and getting fatter.


I have abandonment issues. I would almost always prefer to be alone (which is slowly changing and I don’t know how to adapt to that), but when I am not asked to be included in things such as outings, or dinner parties, I become horrible depressed. Why should I want to hang out with people, that don’t want to hang out with me, I wonder. Why should I put out any effort to know these people, if they won’t meet me part way?

My friends/co-workers went to lunch about two hours ago. I wasn’t particularly hungry, and I was helping a couple of very needy clients. Even if they asked, I wouldn’t have been able to join them. And yet, I feel completely disheartened that they didn’t even try to ask. Not only did they not try to ask, but they left me all alone in my office for a good 20 minutes until my supervisor came back. Its not that I couldn’t handle the clients, I just wanted to feel like some thought was put into asking me. I don’t feel that way.

So now I’m being all angsty and emo, because I was in fact invited to dinner (as an afterthought) but I don’t want to be around these people now because they chose not to be around me first. I realize part of me is being ridiculous, but I just can’t shake the feeling that 1) they would rather me not be there and 2) they wouldn’t notice if I was.

What this really boils down to is this. I want a halibut sandwich for lunch. Its deep fried, delicious, and not exactly the cheapest/healthiest food to order. If I go out to dinner, I will have eaten out for Breakfast, Lunch and Dinner. Will not be able to get a walkjog in. Will most likely not enjoy myself if I did go. I don’t know what to do.

Do any of you ever feel this way? How do you get over these weird unnecessary feelings?

ETA: I’m getting that halibut sandwich. It was on my menu before dinner was. If I still want to go to dinner, then I will. I probably won’t, but at least I was invited (even if it was as an afterthought).