food log 12/28/2010

20 oz. mocha,
2 day old mixed berry muffins.

1 large banana
two chicken tacos made with brown rice, fiesta vegetables, avacado, sour cream and three tablespoons of cheese.
2 20 oz sodas

20 squats, .75 mile walk

I’m trying to eat all the meat up in my house because as of New Years, I’m going vegetarian. I miss it. I’ve missed it since I left it nearly 5 years ago. I always swore as soon as my life calmed down, I would go back to it. I don’t forsee my life becoming more calm than it is now. I’ll have to come up with a nice long post and tell you about my first winter in Alaska when I went crazy. Its quite the tale.

Food Blog

Accountability. It only happens if you allow it to happen. Not posting here, means I don’t have to account for what I’ve eaten. Its so weird how its so easy to ignore that, to forget that.

Breakfast consisted of a turkey bacon croissant. Guess how I justify that? It has protein. I could have chosen the white chocolate cherry croissant instead. (Or you know, not have eaten either, and chosen something different all together… perhaps the bran muffin?) I also had a 16 oz. Raspberry mocha. Yum.

I snacked on about 4 pieces of fudge. My mom sent me about 2 pounds of fudge, and about a dozen popcorn balls for Christmas. What a sweetie, right? (Sarcasm is optional.)

Lunch started around 2:30, and was bought at the restaurant next door. I purchased a cheese burger, fries, and a 20 oz. coke. I didn’t eat all the fries, but I ate the hell out of that cheeseburger. It was delicious.

My kitchen looks like a war zone, but I’ll bet as soon as I’m done cleaning it, I’ll want to cook something for dinner.  Thus the vicious cycle of having a dirty kitchen continues.

One good thing to mention, though I’m not really sure what it says about me, I am only eating when I’m hungry. I stop eating when I’m full. I make sure to check in with myself. I may be eating terribly, but I’m doing my best to manage the quantity.

Hm. Writing this out is more difficult than I remember it being.

ETA: For dinner, I ate two cups of rice-a-roni fried rice with chicken that I cooked, three chocolate chip cookies, 2 popcorn balls, and one large glass of milk. 

Still here

Time slips away so quickly. In just a few more days it will be christmas. In just a few days more, it will be 2011. Nearly half a year will have gone by since I decided to actively try and lose weight, and I will have still been around my starting weight of 323. My current weight is 319. Its important to be honest about these things. Who will hold me accountable if I don’t?

I’m not sitting my Spanish final today.

I am pretty sure I have officially failed all of my classes this semester. This was not how that was supposed to happen. I could go to my spanish final. I still have time to get ready. But heres the thing: I know I’m not going to be able to answer any of the questions, because I’ve only been studying for the test for the last hour. Even if I could memorize all the new verbs and how to conjugate them, I still don’t remember all the new rules I’m also supposed to apply to them. I’ve got no practice speaking it or even listening to it, really. This isn’t cold feet here, its honesty.

A lot of things have not worked out for me this year. I still haven’t really lost any weigh because I keep gaining it back; I was supposed to move to Colorado after my grandfather died; I was supposed to buy a car and learn to drive this summer; Not having a roommate is way more expensive then orginially anticipated; I failed my classes this semester.  But a lot of really amazing things have happened too.

I walked my first 5 mile race. I volunteered for a position way over my capabilities, and didn’t suck at it entirely. I visited my mom twice, and my cousin once. I saw both family members before their passing. Even though I didn’t want to hear it, my family is proud of me. I actually have people who want to be around me… even during my off days.

And the thing about me is, I don’t really care that I pass my classes or not. I feel like society thinks I should. I know the school certainly thinks I should. School’s original purpose for me this semester was to keep me too busy from noticing how dark it is. Guess what- it didn’t work. So schools purpose then became a burden to me instead. I have a much better understanding of the Spanish language than I did 5 months ago. I have come to realize that sociology is a great way to explore the way I see the world, as well as how others see it. Now that I know how businesses function on a more professional level, its easier to imagine how I might start one of my own some day.

What I’m saying is, I only want to learn what I want to learn. I hate that I didn’t put out enough effort to pass my classes, but I did learn what I wanted to know. So to me, this has been a successful semester.

So instead of going to class, I think I’ll Zumba!