You have not yet adopted the name Lily. That will come nearly eight years later at a dead beat job, where someone with your same name steals your identity and logins for work. But more on that later.
You’ve spent the last two years, and will spend the next five or so years, treating yourself like crap. I really wish you would stop. I wish you would listen to your mother when she says you’re beautiful and smart and capable of anything you put your mind to. I wish you’d stop being afraid all the time- there’s really nothing to be afraid of. I wish you could see how awesome you are, not how much you stand out in crowds. Its okay to stand out. You’re not going to fall off a cliff. Even if you do, you’ll land safely enough, that I can promise you.
See, I remember how it felt, sliding that razor across your thigh, crying in the shower, and wishing for something, anything to change, or to just stop feeling all together. Coming up with self destructive plans to make yourself beautiful, only to fail because, well, nobody gets skinny overnight, and you were already beautiful. Truly. And then hated yourself some more. You realized quite early that only you could change you, but it took you a long time to really understand what that meant, and how to make it happen.
If there is something I could do or say to comfort you, I would, but right now you are inconsolable, and that’s not your fault. It really truly is no one’s fault. You have a swarm of hormones rushing through your body and you live in a community where no one else looks like you. I will say, you’re not alone in feeling like a freak. It gets better. Oh boy, does it get better.
In four more years, you’re going to take a train to Virginia, for college. Yes, college. You’re going to finally be surrounded by people that look just like you, and who are willing to be your friend. Not gonna lie, you only stay there for a year, and you begin to think the end of the world is nigh when you leave, but really, its just getting started.
I could tell you about your re-return to Oregon, or how you ended up in Alaska, but you might again look at those events as something negative. You really must know that it is not. Life changes. People change. You’ll figure it out eventually, but you’ve got to give yourself that chance.
Lily, you didn’t lose weight immediately. You continued gaining weight until you were twenty-four. You used food as a shelter, something to hide behind and calm you down when things got tough, or as a reward for surviving impossible odds. But you remained capable. You were still able to do exactly what you needed to do to get where I am today. Eventually you started to take care of your outer-self in addition to your inner-self, and its made all the difference. You never thought you would weigh 300 lbs, and be proud of yourself. I am here to tell you that you are, and you are.
Don’t forget to be awesome,
I don’t mean to keep putting off this post. Quite a few things happened this weekend that are worth mentioning, the first of which, I completed my first 5k of the year, the Shamrock 5k in Anchorage. It was outside, it was snowy, and I rocked it. I walked the there-and-back course, on the trails groomed for cross-country skiing, in 43:15. This is a new PR for me, though I haven’t really been keeping score. The day before I had walked one mile in 17 minutes and thought that was pretty bragworthy, so imagine my surprise when I saw that I had managed a 14:33 pace! I had no idea I had it in me to walk so fast. All my time at the gym and Zumba’ing has really paid off!
I had never done this race before (I had no idea what the course was going to be like either!) and I had a hell of a time trying to get someone to join me. I eventually went by myself, though I had to call a cab (which was the one thing I was trying to avoid). Half way to Alaska Pacific University where it was being held, I realized I left my bib at home. I couldn’t ask the cabbie to turn around and cost me even more dollars, so I just went with it. It was very uncomfortable for me to be there by myself, and I wasn’t sure how to dress because, well, its Alaska.
Then, just to make everything a bit more interesting, when I got there, I realized that one of my ear bud jellies had gone missing. What was I gonna do? What else could I do? I couldn’t just… go home. I couldn’t just give up. When I realized that basically everyone around would be running, I wanted to shake myself and ask why I had even gone in the first place. But I did it anyway.
The trail was pretty. The beginning was pretty hilly, and I was kind of scared that the whole thing was going to be like that. But it evened out pretty quickly, and as the runners all broke off, I settled into a walking pace not to far behind those in front of me. It didn’t take very long for me to start passing them. The trail was clearly marked, and with every bend there were a handful of people, and at two occasions, EMT’s, cheering us all on. Part of me wanted to be rude everytime I walked by and they were cheering me on. It was very difficult to accept their enthusasm as something that wasn’t… contrived. I of course was the perfect picture of grattitude, saying thanks along the way to every one that was cheering. One lady said, “You’re almost there!” and made me believe for a moment, that the turn around point was just over the next bend.
I found it very difficult to not stop and take pictures at every turn, yet at the same time, found my pace increasing more and more and wasn’t sure how I’d make my legs stop, even if I wanted. (Thus, I apologize for the crappy photos.) Finally reaching the half way point was less thrilling than I had hoped. It was just a circle marked off, and you wound your way around it. There was one woman, sitting in a chair, and ringing a cow bell.
I kept going, and going and going, I passed all the other walkers, and although all the runners had finished, I was certain I was at the head of the walker’s group. Finally I made it back up the hill, then back down the hill, and suddenly there was a small group of people, a ticker and a pink line with two safety cones on either side, in the snow. I finished. I looked up at the ticker, and nearly paused. 43 minutes, you say? Surely I’ve been out here huffing and puffing for an hour! No? I did pull out my phone, which confirmed I had been walking for less than an hour. My mind was blown. So blown in fact, that it took 4 days to write this blog post about it. Anyway, as I was crossing the finish line, they asked me where my bib was. I felt a wave of shame try to wash over me as I explained as earnestly as possible that I left it at home. They called me a bandit, the first one of the race, and had a laugh. You see, I couldn’t feel too much shame, because I already felt freakin’ awesome.
Actually, Saturday was a very eventful day for me. That evening I went to see No Strings Attached with my friend Rachel. It was my second time seeing it, and I loved it both times. I love how awkward and skinny Natalie Portman is.
However, before I went and saw that movie, I attended my very first, and hopefully only, Military Funeral. One of my very good friends committed suicide after returning from her deployment in Afghanistan. I didn’t know what to say or do. I still don’t. I just hope she can finally find the peace that has evaded her for so long.
So again, if you have any military people in your life, make sure they’re talking about their experiences, not holding it in. That they’re seeking proper medical assistance if they need it, and make sure they know you love them. I had no idea the last time I saw her would truly be the last time I saw her. I’m very grateful that I was able to see her one last time.
Achilles heel: In my foot.
Battle cry: Avocado Avocado!
Casket size: The ocean. (creamated and thrown into, you see)
Deformity: I’m perfect. Fuck you.
Embarrassing nickname: Jolly Green Giant. Don’t ask why.
Fish I’d most like to be if I were somehow, for some reason, forced to be turned into a fish: Humuhumunukunukuapua’a, Yeah bitch!
Getaway route: Back away slowly, then run like hell!
Hillbilly name (click here): Betty Rose Rambler
Inanimate object I most resemble: A statue?
“Jack”, Favorite blogger named: I don’t understand the question.
Knot I have most trouble untying: Celtic knots.
Last lesson learned: I’m fucking awesome.
Middle letter of middle name: Trick question. My online persona has no middle name.
Nearest Chinese restaurant: Mongolian BBQ
Oldest person I know: My great aunt Shirley. She’s 82.
Pancakes, Favorite topping for: Syrup. Occasionally I like to keep things classic.
Quality I wish I had more of: Patience.
Rap artist I’d most like to chillax with: Snoop Dogg.
Salad dressing I despise most: The red kind without raspberries.
TV show I wish would disappear forever: Everything that is considered Reality Television. Its junk media and destroying our culture. But more on that later.
Underwear, Favorite kind/color: I just bought these lace trimmed grey with white polka dot panties. Super cute.
Vice that I wish I could do away with: Being unadulteratedly mean to those who may or may not deserve it, without feeling guilty later.
Website that I check first every day: Slog.
Xerox, Funniest thing I’ve copied on: Remember when chain letters were sent through the mail? Yeah. Back when I was like, 5.
“Yes,” Dumbest thing to which I’ve answered: Hey little girl, wanna see something? Come here!
Zombie, Favorite “brain” dish if I ever became a: Haha. Just got that these were in alphebetical order. As for my favorite dish? Brain Tartar.
” If you lose today, win tomorrow. In this never-ending spirit of challenge is the heart of a victor.” -Daisaku Ikeda
This has been a very very long morning. I didn’t eat very well last night. I made spinach lasagna, and became so ravished while waiting for it, I ate 5 string cheese, a small bowl of sauce with cheese, about a cup and a half of ice cream (but out of the container, so it could have been more or less, and then a handful of regular cheese. Then finally, two piece of lasagna, which reaffirmed that I don’t like ricotta cheese.
|Old picture. Still relevant.|
I left the lasagna in the oven over night… and this morning. If it hasn’t gone bad yet, it will be by the time I get home, so its probably for the best. The only tasty part about it was the jar of sauce, and cheese on top. The noodles weren’t quite done. I was impatient. (It didn’t finish until nearly 11. I can’t eat that late. Its no bueno.)
On the bright side, I went to the gym yesterday morning and kept a 3.5-4.7 pace for 20 minutes (thats not really keeping a pace, is it?) on the elliptical, hopped on the treadmill and ran 1 minute 5 times at 4.5, and walk an additional 20 minutes at 3.0. I’m definitely ready to be a runner. Every day I wake up and all I want to do is do more.
It looks like I had a calcium attack. Everything I ate last night was dairy related, which is interesting to me. Really, I was looking for the mix of sauce and cheese, and carbs, I think. It’ll probably happen again. I’m not gonna beat myself up about it. I wonder if that morning workout had any affect on my near fatal need for dairy that evening however. I should be better prepared for such events in the future.
That is all.
On friday, walking home from work, there were two moose blocking my way so I called my neighbor to pick me up (I was literally just half a block but there was a sow and a calf and well… its icy and I didn’t like my chances). She pulled up, and I slipped getting in to her car. I caught myself “breakdance style” but still partially slid under her car. I thought for a moment I might have sprained my wrist.
Eating wise, Friday was not so good. I had gone out to lunch and gotten a salad. Just before dinner I had a long conversation with my roommate, trying to convince her to stay. She wasn’t having any of it. Went to Spenard Roadhouse, grabbed some alcohol and a burger with avocado and tots (which they’re FAMOUS for) then headed off to Sugar Spoon where I got a 12 oz. skinny chai latte and a slice of chocolate crumble cheese cake.
That meal of course is what prompted me to go to the gym on Saturday, which I left feeling awesome. I am excreting awesomeness even now. I did realize as I was walking down the stairs that my thigh hurt a bit, it took me a while to realize it was from the fall the day before. That didn’t stop me from 35 minutes on the elliptical and 20 minutes on the treadmill, 5 of which I spent RUNNING. Awesome. I can’t wait til its the whole 20 minutes! I bought some apple juice, and a protein shake and went to town on both of them once I got home.
Then I cleaned around the house for a bit, before going to see Narnia: The Dawn Treader. I’m not really into the Narnia fandom, and haven’t seen the second one. It was in 3d and I couldn’t understand why, but other than that I really enjoyed it. For dinner I had rice and bean tacos with gaucamole. It was nice.
Sunday I did a lot of laundry, watched a couple of movies, and then finally went on a mini road trip down to Portage Glacier with my neighbor and her friend. The drive from Anchorage to Girdwood is one of the prettiest drives in the country. I become so awe-inspired every time I get to go, and I feel honored to view the majesty of Alaska. Surely there are prettier places in Alaska, but that this one is so accessible just adds to its beauty, I think.
I came home, made vegetarian stroganoff (which I couldn’t decide if it was good or not… I didn’t go back for seconds.) finished doing some laundry and hit the sack. It was exactly how a two day weekend should go. Busy, but relaxing. Fun, with a side of cleaning. And somehow managed to lose some weight. Quite impressed!
Now, I didn’t run all five of those minutes together. I sparsed it out over the 20 minutes, but I’m new at this. I haven’t attempted to run since some killer shinsplints, and some guys watching me out their window from last summer.
Did I mention how awesome I feel? I will probably not feel so awesome tomorrow, I can feel my knee tighening up right now, as a matter of fact, but I’m feeling pretty awesome right now, so I don’t really care. Tuesday. Either in the morning, or in the evening, but I can’t wait to try this again.
Current weight: 302.7
*I was going to make this a post about how awesome I am, and how terrible my new roommate is, and the fact that she’s leaving in a handful of days, but then decided to just focus on how I am currently feeling. I think I’ve fully established how I feel, but in case you missed it, I feel AWESOME.