Anniversary Post


So, this was originally supposed to be posted on May 13th. Except, I was in Ohio, and Blogger was experiencing their own apocalypse. On ward, and upward, I always say!

(my official before picture)

Starting weight: 323.3
Todays weight: 292.3
Total lost in one year: 30 lbs

How I feel about that:

Awesome. I have maintained a weight loss of 30 for nearly a year. The last time I lost weight, I was 16, and I was starving myself. It hurt, and I scared me. But now, I have a lot going on for myself this year.

I was so hung over in this picture…

Originally, I was going to make this a long drawn out post, detailing all the cool stuff I’ve accomplished in the last year, all the heart ache I suffered but survived through, and a list of goals set for the future, but most of that is covered in my “about me” tab, and as for goals this year? I just want to keep moving forward.

To those that read my ramblings and constant “I” statements, I appreciate it, I love your comments and I am so glad I’ve chosen to share my journey with you. Reading your blogs and tweetchats has been a great inspiration to me, and I love you all. Thank you for sharing in this with me.

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I’m not sitting my Spanish final today.

I am pretty sure I have officially failed all of my classes this semester. This was not how that was supposed to happen. I could go to my spanish final. I still have time to get ready. But heres the thing: I know I’m not going to be able to answer any of the questions, because I’ve only been studying for the test for the last hour. Even if I could memorize all the new verbs and how to conjugate them, I still don’t remember all the new rules I’m also supposed to apply to them. I’ve got no practice speaking it or even listening to it, really. This isn’t cold feet here, its honesty.

A lot of things have not worked out for me this year. I still haven’t really lost any weigh because I keep gaining it back; I was supposed to move to Colorado after my grandfather died; I was supposed to buy a car and learn to drive this summer; Not having a roommate is way more expensive then orginially anticipated; I failed my classes this semester.  But a lot of really amazing things have happened too.

I walked my first 5 mile race. I volunteered for a position way over my capabilities, and didn’t suck at it entirely. I visited my mom twice, and my cousin once. I saw both family members before their passing. Even though I didn’t want to hear it, my family is proud of me. I actually have people who want to be around me… even during my off days.

And the thing about me is, I don’t really care that I pass my classes or not. I feel like society thinks I should. I know the school certainly thinks I should. School’s original purpose for me this semester was to keep me too busy from noticing how dark it is. Guess what- it didn’t work. So schools purpose then became a burden to me instead. I have a much better understanding of the Spanish language than I did 5 months ago. I have come to realize that sociology is a great way to explore the way I see the world, as well as how others see it. Now that I know how businesses function on a more professional level, its easier to imagine how I might start one of my own some day.

What I’m saying is, I only want to learn what I want to learn. I hate that I didn’t put out enough effort to pass my classes, but I did learn what I wanted to know. So to me, this has been a successful semester.

So instead of going to class, I think I’ll Zumba!

The days go by like molasses and spread like wildfire

Being sad is debilitating. I haven’t had a good cry yet (me, who cries at everything, cannot cry because her aunt has passed) and so I’m just a ball of nerves and flint, waiting for a spontaneous combustion of tears.

Eating wise, I wouldn’t call these last few days “binging” but it certainly wasn’t mindful, and damn, I didn’t want to lift my head, let alone my feet. I danced, when I felt like dancing (Which is not to say often; also, I’ve decided thats why my thighs and calves are so tight right now, and the rest of me is a blobby blabby ball of blub) and sang, when I felt like singing. I raised my arms above my head to stretch my spine and pray that when my manos were lowered, the switch would flip, and I would start the next stage of the grieving process.

So it looks like I’ll be in Colorado for my b-day. It’ll be nice seeing my mom again, as I usually only see her once a year. We decided it was important for me to be at the memorial service. I want to feel like I’m apart of my family, and I never have. I want to honor my beautiful aunt, and relearn my family history, as its MY history, and I’m so afraid of losing it.

I’m so sad right now.

My most remembered memory of my aunt:

I was five, maybe six years old. Having loved my aunt thus far my entire life, I was thrilled to hear she would be at my house, the very next morning, on a weekday. She’d be there to see me off to school! Yay! I loved visiting her house, 60 miles south of mine, surrounded by trees and shrouded in mystery. She had two dogs and a bunch of chicken and iguana. It was my favorite place to visit. I thought I wouldn’t be able to sleep, I was so excited. Of course, I zonked out almost immediately.

As sleep goes, it was slow and fast, dreams spinning, colors twirling, and then suddenly, DING DONG! went the bell.

“Who wakes me from my slumber?” I bellowed. I ran downstairs and opened the door. There was my beautiful aunt, with her long blonde hair, and shiny blue eyes, holding a plate of still warm homemade apple cinnamon raisin bran muffins (which were to DIE for), smiling and happy. She was like magic- beautiful and unreal. She and my mom sat in the living room, sipping coffee and getting down to business- the way they do (did). I ate one muffin, reveled in its deliciousness, then prepared to get ready for the day! I remembering feeling alive and refreshed that morning. I wanted to feel that way every day for the rest of my life.

It was 5 o’clock in the morning.

My Aunt Died This Morning

In May, when I restated the purpose of this blog, I mentioned I was waiting for a couple of things to happen. I was waiitng for my grandpa and my aunt to die.

Both of these have happened now. I’m not quite as torn up about my aunt, but it did take a whole day for my grandpa’s death to full hit me, so we’ll see.

I know I’m not the only one who experiences loved ones passing. I think I’ve been very lucky in that most the people I’ve known that have died, had good long lives first. Not all, but most. But it always hurts way more, it always effects me way deeper than I thought it could, and I always feel completely alone in my loss. Like no one could understand my pain. If you’ve lost loved ones, I’m sure you know what I mean. Sorry’s and well wishes from anyone just… don’t help. Imagining they’re in a better place is of little comfort. Words of comfort are without meaning, and no one could ever say the thing you’re waiting to hear, which is this; this a joke, no one is dying and no one is dead, because we live forever.

Rising out of the Fog

I know what I have to do and it scares the hell out of me. I’ve started over many times before and this time, instead of facing it head on, brash, and with a half made plan, I’m carefully analyzing every detail, every potential outcome, and I just don’t see how any good long term effects are going to come.

The main reason I’m moving to Denver, is to spend more time with my grandma and uncle before they pass. I found out yesterday that my grandma intends to sell her house, a house I’ve only visited a handful of times in my life, to go live in a retirement community. Its one of the saddest things I’ve ever heard. I understand that its for the best, and I applaud her for being clear minded enough to know that she’s going to need the additional assistance. I think I’m mostly just sad for me, and that this whole family that I’ve never really had the opportunity to know, is dying by inches.

My father died two years ago. I’d love to write about it, and perhaps I will another day. I’m at work right now, and I don’t want to start crying. Again.

Part of me is excited about this move. Out of all the places I had considered, Denver was never one of them, because I always felt like I didn’t particularly like it. But then, I haven’t spent a lot of time there, either. As I wandered down the city streets this spring, while visiting my cousin, I tried to see myself hiking the mountains, shopping in the shops, finding new interesting places to hang out. I tried to imagine what my new friends might look like, where they might come from. I tried imagining going to the university downtown, living near City Park, and generally being happy. I tried and I couldn’t.

I need a job. I need to enroll myself into college. I need my own apartment. I  need a car. I need to learn to drive. (I feel guilty about saying I need a car, what with the Gulf of Mexico fiasco and all. But its the truth.) I need a plane ticket. I need as much money as I can muster so I can get all those things.

I’m worried about everything, it seems. I’m worried about my family becoming sicker the longer I wait to move. I’m worried about my credit getting in the way of my housing and potentially transportation. I’m worried I won’t be able to find a job once I get there. I’m worried I’ll move there and still won’t interact with my family. I’m worried I won’t be accepted into the school I want to get into. I’m worried I won’t be able to afford tuition. I’m worried my boss will be disappointed in me. I’m worried I’ll move and nothing will really change. I’ll use it as an excuse to eat all the time, or eat badly all the time. I’m worried I won’t be able to breathe.

I’m terrified that every thing will work out according to plan. I never count on that. I wonder if that’s why it never stays on course? I always plan for the worst case scenario, and build off that. I always have an idea of what a perfect scenario would be, but perfection isn’t reliable, especially when its mostly fantasy.

I wish I could delay everything until December. That way I could follow through with the commitments I already have here, and wouldn’t have that extra layer of guilt. Of course, then I remember my dad telling my grandma and uncle that he was going to out to Denver and take care of them. He just needed a year to get things together and do it. He died three months later.

If not me, then who? 
If not now, then when?

I’m making myself sick going over my options, trying to figure out my best course of action. I feel like a sperm trying to impregnate an egg. bouncing around, trying to find a good spot to hop in before someone else does, and the game is over. Or before time just runs out in general and the game is still over. The clock is definitely ticking.



Also, I apologize for the over use of “I” statements. I’m a pretty self involved person.
Side note number two: all the food pictured is from yesterday 06/16/10

Accomplished: Alaska Run for Women (Except I Walked)

Boy am I glad I went out and bought a sugar free Red Bull last night. I knew I was going to need it this morning.
I know I’ve gone on about the sun here in Alaska, but man, I just don’t remember it affecting me like this last year. I didn’t get to bed until two, and just as I was falling asleep, my roommate finally came home, and was loud until about 6 am, when my alarm went off for the first time because I knew I was going to need additional time in waking up.

I made sure to get some good stretching in, as well as two large glasses of water, and made some eggs with cinnamon chip bread. I ate half of the slice before the walk, and the other half well after the walk was over.

So, I live near where the event was taking place, and decided it’d be convenient for me to walk, and it was. Just not so much walking home. My legs felt like led at that point, and every step jarred my hips, something I usually don’t have an issue with. The path was actually part of the route, and so I got to walk the same mile three times today.  It winds underneath two of the busiest roads in Anchorage and deposits you right next to the Sullivan Arena. Once I reached there, I went to where I was told to meet up: at the port-a-potties near the back. I went there, and didn’t see a single person from when we decorated shirts on Thursday. Granted, there were only four people at the decorating party, but still. I did my part and showed up on time, where were they?

http://www.flickr.com/apps/slideshow/show.swf?v=71649

Finally, the last call for stragglers was called, and the crowd moved through to the parking lot where the walk actually began. There I saw an entire wall of portapotties. Encouraged, i started hanging out near the back, as explained to earlier. But alas, I still couldn’t find anyone.

I was in a sea of people. The goal was to have 10,000 women sign up this year. They didn’t reach it, but they did get 7100 women registered, which is pretty amazing. I love how active Anchorage’s community is. I think the announcer said something about it being the 3rd largest women’s only run in the country, but I can’t be sure. Either way, it was amazing to see all the different teams, the survivors of Breast Cancer, and all the love that was there.  Being me of course, I brought my headphones and ipod, and turned it up full blast. I occasionally took my earbuds out to hear the bands as we walked by, and I know if I had left them out, eventually someone would have tried to talk to me. But I couldn’t. I needed my security blanket to get through this walk.

The walk takes us downtown, then wraps around the Tony Knowles Coastal Trail, before heading back to the arena. At one part of the walk, during mile 3, we go very close indeed to my house, and my legs were killing me at that point, and it took every ounce of strength in me to continue onward. I credit 98% of my willpower to continue onward to this blog and its readers. I didn’t want to disappoint you, or  more importantly, explain any potential disappointment in myself. When I finally made it through the pink finish line, I was excited, but I was tired. I was already considering how I was going to get home. I briefly considered calling a cab, but thought that if I’m going to be a Walker today, then I was going to be a BAMF about it and walk home too. All together I walked 7 miles.

Minutes after crossing the finish line, I walk over to the water station and grab a cup. I look over to find the nearest trash, and who should I see, but one of my team members! Yay! Finally! Apparently they hadn’t been able to find anyone else either. So we snapped a couple of pictures, and went on our way.

I went home, slowly, talking on the phone with my mother the whole way. There were so many times when I just wanted to sit down, and take a break. I know my body though, and knew if I sat down before I was really ready, I would not get up. I would not be able to, or if I was able to, it was hurt more than it did already.

I took a shower for as long as I could stand to be on my feet, and then crawled into bed. Once in bed, I fell asleep.  I woke up around 5pm, disoriented and in a lot of pain. My right hip and my left knee were just on fire. Finally I considered the day a success. I love the feeling of my body being worn out. Its oddly rewarding.

How did you feel after your first walk/run event?

Its the End of the World as we Know it!

3 things happened.

1) I woke up this morning with the very intense need to find a dentist. My back molar has completely fallen out.
2)Read in the paper that the Supreme Court ruled that Corporations did not need to limit their spending on political campaigns. They are free to run their own campaign, for or against any elected politician they choose.
3)I had an insurance meeting this afternoon. They are decreasing my benefits which up til this point, they have paid for entirely. Vision, Medical, Dental. They removing the dental insurance, and we are now being charged $50 pre-taxed a month on average for our decreased higher deductible insurance. I have until March 15th to see a doctor before my insurance runs out.

See how it relates to the universe?

If only we had a public option, or a third option that was not going to rob me blind, or wouldn’t cost my employer so much, wouldn’t that have been nice? The filibuster is gone; Corporations now get to buy their congressmen and, senators and, PRESIDENTS and, mayors to decide everything.

There is a revolution coming. A revolution for the ages. How can we as people survive being owned? How can we stay the united states of America, if the companies we become owned by are on foreign soil? Where is our Sovereignty as a nation? Our own Supreme Court sold us out to Big Market.

The only way to survive is to fight or flee. The Jihadist’s are winning. We are destroying ourselves. This country is destroying itself with this constant junk media and need for instant gratification. We are discovering the end of our existence. Is there a way out of this? Is there a way to fix this grave injustice to democracy and free will?

Welcome back to College! (A short story)

This is a letter I wrote to my instructor explaining my absence yesterday.

Hello, I unfortunately missed our first class this evening. I am fully
aware of your attendance policy, and as I was just explaining to my
supervisor, I’m currently experiencing time management issues. This is
not my normal behavior, and I certainly will do my absolute to ensure
that it doesn’t happen again.

If you choose not to read further than that paragraph, then that’s fine.
If you’d like to read why I was late, please continue on.

You see, I had been planning out how I was going to acquire my books
before your class started. I originally had intended to go to the
bookstore on Monday, when the time crunch wasn’t an issue, but I decided
to go home instead- it was quite cold outside.
Instead, I took off work a little early today (after being a little
late, this morning) to catch a bus that took nearly an hour what a car
could have done in 15 minutes- get me to campus. I arrived on campus
within the time frame I had planned out.

Please also understand, I had planned all the major points of how this
operation was going to go: Bookstore- get books. Be in checkout line by
ten til. Be on to class- 5 minutes late tops.
Possible alternative- bookstore- get books. be in checkout line by 10
til. Wonder around lost looking for the class, until finally getting
directions- 15 minutes late.

These are the only two scenarios I considered all day.

But this is what happened. I reached campus on time, took longer than
necessary trying to cross the really slick parking lot. Then, spent a
little more time looking for certain books than intended, and was in the
checkout line with 5 minutes to spare.

I walked up to the register and the cashier was kind and greeted me like
we were old friends, even though we had never met. I was planning on
using my wolfbucks card to pay for my books, and so handed her my card.
Even after budgeting the cost of my books, I was very surprised to see
they totaled over $400 for three classes.

“Ma’am, were you hoping to pay with your credit card for the rest of it?”

Excuse. Me. What?

“Your wolfcard only has this amount available.” Trust me, it was not
anywhere close to what it should been.

What am I supposed to do about this then? I’m 3 minutes late already!

“Student information desk might be able to help!” The cashier offered.

At this point, I was kind of defeated, and still had no idea where my
class was located. I wandered out of the bookstore, and after much
deliberation, decided to continue to follow the ridiculously plan I had
already set in motion, and went left, the way I imagined the class was,
each time I imagined this scenario.

The class wasn’t left. I was near the Wendy Williamson Auditorium before
someone came along for me to ask directions.

Excuse me, can you help me? I’m lost.

“Sure, where are you trying to go?”

SSB. I don’t even know what it stands for.

He cocks his head to the side. “SSB, you say?” Suddenly he sees
something in the distance. “You mean the Social Sciences Building?”

Nod.

“The one that’s like, part of the library…”

On the other side of campus.

“Yeah.”

You know I just came from there, right?

“Yeah.”

From there, it was just a short hop skip and a jump through the up and
down sky way bridges, until I reach the social sciences building.

I’m hot. I’m tired. I take the elevator. I wind around the second floor,
until I find 258. I pull out my ipod, turn it off, unzip my coat so I
make as little ruckus as possible. I pull out my phone to make sure its
on silent, and to check the time. Its 6:21. Whew. It felt like an hour
had gone by.

I peak my head around the corner of the room.

No one’s there.

There was no one there 21 minutes later.

I took one of each of the handouts I saw on the table.

Again, I just want you to know, this really isn’t my normal behavior. I
would always prefer to be 20 minutes early, than 5 minutes late. I’m
really quite excited about this women’s studies class, and the only
thing that makes missing your class worse, is that I wasn’t able to take
any of my books with me either. I promise to see you next week.