Breakfast 6/6

Delicious blackberry scone and skinny cherry mocha. Munched on some left over pasta this morning before work.
The twilight 12k recap is coming, I promises. It was just a really busy (ie: lazy) weekend. Spoiler: I finished, and still not last.

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Breakfast

The last bit of my blueberry scone and skinny cherry mocha.
This is a lot harder than I remember it being. I also snuck a brownie in before work, that Sauraman made last night.

Avocado Avocado!

Breakfast
2 eggs, cheddar cheese and spinach in an omelet form, about a cup of orange juice. Sugar free rockstar.

Lunch
Spinach salad with feta cheese, green onion, avocado and orange. Raspberry vinaigrette dressing.

Dinner
2 quesadillas, 2 heaped tablespoons of sour cream, 1 avocado.

Exercise
35 mins Zumba
20 minutes stretching

I ate breakfast in a rush today. I was running behind this morning because of my inability to wake up before 9am. I should probably start going to bed earlier, but I just can’t. I can’t wait until the sun comes up at 5am and I only need 3 hours of sleep to get through the night.

Lunch happened around 3:30ish, I cut up the avocado which was nearly bad and the orange, threw it in my salad and went to town. It held me over until dinner where I had a couple quesadillas with my last avocado.*

I’m going to stop buying avocado. I love them so much that its starting to border on obsession. Also, I only go shopping once every other week, so when I buy several avocados, they all ripen at the same time, and I feel “pressured” to eat them. And by pressured I mean overjoyed. But alas, even with all the healthy benefits of avocado, eating two whole ones a day simply is not going to produce the results I’m looking for. So, I’ve got one today, one for tomorrow, and then I’m limiting myself buying ONE one the rest of my shopping trips. I wish they froze well.

(*I wrote all the above just before lunch. Its 1130pm, and I’ve just finished eating dinner.)

The difference a few hours makes is astounding. The differences a few minutes make can be legendary. The difference a few seconds can make could rock your world.

I struggled to make dinner. I was in the middle of washing dishes, and just didn’t have a feeling of  “fuel body” but I was worried once I went to bed (or even just sat down) that I would realize I was hungry, and then suddenly be to the point of not caring what went inside. So I stopped washing dishes and started preparing dinner. It should have been a relatively easy thing to do. I make dinner every night, I have since I was 12. But noticing that I wasn’t hungry, did I then decide to pass on the avocado? It seemed to be just wasteful to not eat the whole thing, but damn, two avocados in a day? Really? Is that going to help me lose weight? I thought about throwing the other half away- and why that simply wouldn’t be acceptable. Its avocado. Then I pondered the possibility of eating it all, as a final hurrah of sorts. But how are you supposed to lose weight when your are constantly having a “last hurrah!”? Not very easily, I suspect. Finally I threw my hands up in the air and wondered how the hell I was supposed to lose any weight at all if my thinking about food is so disordered? How the hell am I supposed to navigate that mess I’ve weaved over the last 25 years?

Breakthrough. I mashed up the whole avocado. I would eat it mindfully. I would focus all my attention on the texture and flavor, the way the cheese melts and the tanginess of the sour cream. I would not allow myself to feel guilty. I would stop eating when I was full. If that meant I ate the entire avocado, then that was okay and I was not going to feel guilty about it. I’ve already made a decision to never keep that many avocados in my house again. 

I turned off the tv, I sat down in front of the table. I closed my eyes and took a breath. I asked my body on a scale of 1 to 10, how hungry it was. It answered with a surprised 8. I began to take my first bite.

And then I heard a rapid exchange of knocking, or to my already panicked ears, gun fire. (You have to understand, my neighbors who recently seperated, have not had the kind of relationship that is afraid of phsyical arguments. When alcohol is involved, who knows what could happen. I’m not ready for that kind of eventuality, and I freaked out.) I grabbed my plate (because I was starved at that point, like I hadn’t eaten all day and not just the last 6 hours) and went up to my room. I locked my door. I ate at the avocado, and the rest of the first quesadilla, with little mindfulness. I was too busy listening for screams, shuffling bodies, or sirens. But the food calmed me. It served its old purpose well, I guess. I came back downstairs after I was sure the “coast was clear”, and sat down, turned on the tv and continued to eat the second quesadilla with the rest of the avocado. I am completely overwhelmed at how much effort I had to put into tonight’s dinner. It should have been a simple, quiet, dinner, followed by bed. Instead I’m rattled and worried, and feeling a little guilty about how I ate.

On the bright side, no more Avocados.

food log 2/9/11

Breakfast
handful of slivered almonds, crasins and  chocolate chips, bagel with cream cheese, protein hot cocoa.

lunch
two open faced quesadillas with an avocado and table spoon of sour cream.(4 tortillas were used)

Dinner
1 medium veggie pesto supreme thin crust pizza, half a 2 liter of diet pepsi.

At least I wasn’t snacking.

Other important events that happened: My cousin (who is my best friend) had her baby. 7 lbs 12 oz. A ginger. He was born with a leaky lung, so he was moved into NICU  at a different hospital in six inches of snow, before my cousin had a chance to hold him. (The next day I heard he was doing much better and will be home by the weekend.)

I didn’t go to work.

Food log 2/1/11

Breakfast
Breakfast cookie, banana, half cup hot cocoa. (My whey protein curdled in my mug. I was pretty distraught.)

Lunch
2 cups black bean corn couscous salad, breakfast cookie, handful of trailmix. (I felt starved all day at work. It was terrible.)

Dinner
whole grain spaghetti with broccoli, spinach, and alfredo sauce. breakfast cookie, hot chocolate, skinny cow ice cream, 7 parmesean pretzel crackers, I think thats it.

So I’m kind of noticing that I’m eating breakfast cookies as um, not breakfast food. When I do look to eat one, its usually “to replace an additional part of my meal, like meat.” At least I think thats whats going through my head when I try to justify it. I think the safest thing to say here is, there is no such thing as a “safe” cookie. They’re either all the devil or their all forgivable. There is no middle.

Exercise
25 mins Zumba + additional stretching, and walking .75 of a mile (which I’m never sure whether or not to include this .75 of a mile because its part of my daily commute).

Tomorrow I gotta focus on my homework. I’m starting to feel… rushed. Also, I’m really tired, and probably should have just left this part out. Good night, good morning, Namaste.

Food log 1/31/11

Breakfast

Chonga bagel skinny mocha

Lunch
spinach swiss tomato and kalamata olives on multigrain bread- delish. 20 oz cherry coke.

Dinner
Breakfast cookie banana santa fe rice and beans by eating right.

Monday I was so tired. Two people in my office are sick right now, and I’m kinda worried I’m gonna be next. Monday night I went home, and watched an episode of Heavy. I was actually kind of impressed, I like the flow of the show. I felt so bad watching the show and just sitting there, that I started stretching, which led me into some free style yoga. I even did 20 push ups on my knees.

And then something happened. I found a second, third and fourth wind at 9pm (all at the same time!), and couldn’t get myself to settle down until well after 2am. I don’t know if this is something I should complain/worry about because well, who doesn’t want an extra burst of energy just before the day ends? I guess I wish I just handled it better. I was really confused and didn’t know what to do, so I did a little bit of everything but didn’t really do much of anything.

Oh well. Tuesday is a new day.

Food Log 1/26/11

Breakfast
1 bagel with cream cheese, 1 cup poor mans mocha (drip coffee + hot cocoa) with 1/2 serving vanilla whey protein, handful of cashews

Lunch
1 serving “traditional lentil soup” by “healthy choice” (Or as I like to call it; GROSS), 2 oz hummus, 1 serving wheat thins, 1 16 oz can pineapple in its own juice.

Dinner
4 beef flavored vegetarian taquitos, 3 tbs cheese, 2 tbs sour cream, 2 tbs southwest salsa; diet pepsi. fiber plus bar.

Snack
3 dried apricots, handful of cashews.

So right now, I have lots of food to make certain items, but nothing that really makes a meal. Thats one thing that always bothered me about vegetarianism; I always feel relegated to the side items. No main course for me.

Food Log 1/25/11

Breakfast
Half kashi go lean crunch half special k red berries plus 1 cup almond milk.

Filling and delicious. Don’t really care for plain almond milk. I’ll keep trying it though. Bought this Silk brand this time.

Lunch
20 oz. Mt. dew 1 serving easy mac

Not particularly pleased, but my cupboards are running out of prepackaged food and I just haven’t had time to cook, but I’m hoping to create a menu for next week and see how that goes. Try to control my portions a little better.

Dinner
Two pork purses with sauce, 5 oz. short rib on a bed of curry sauce covered polenta, about 1.5 oz peanut butter pie with oreo crust and chocolate ganashe. 2 16 oz cokes. A handful of cashews.

I don’t think I have to tell you how delicious it all was. Because it was. Every bite was mouth watering. I ate every single bite. And while my stomach whined about it later, I figured it was okay because I’ll probably never eat dinner there again. (totes expensive)

Now, lunch on the other hand….

Food Log 1/24/11

Breakfast

Skinny raspberry mocha and an herb and cheese bagel with cream cheese

Lunch
2 pieces of pizza

Dinner
1 slice of pizza; 1/2 cup cashews, 12 oz diet pepsi, fiber plus bar, 16 oz. hot cocoa.

Exercise
1 mile of walking

Last night was such a struggle for me to not eat. I spent nearly 10 minutes rummaging my cupboards before forcefully reminding myself that I wasn’t hungry, just bored, it was late and I needed to go to bed. I dragged my sorry self upstairs, and eventually tuckered out of the night. It was a terrible struggle however.