Food Log 1/19/11

Breakfast

sundried tomato bagel with creamcheese and two eggs with regular cheddar cheese.

Lunch

1 can of vegetarian chilli with 1/4 cup cheese

Dinner
4 vegetarian beef flavored taquitos, one dollop of sour cream. Cheese. 4 cupcakes.

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Food Log 1/17/11

Breakfast

Fiber plus bar- chocolate chip
Water

Lunch
Half a Brie (spinach tomato aioli and basil) panini; 10 oz. cherry soda.

Snack
Other half of brie sandwich- other half of 10 oz. soda

Dinner
Butternut squash ravioli by Eating Right. two red velvet cupcakes.

Food log 1/16/11

Breakfast
half of three banana chocolate chip pancakes, a cup of almond milk, 3 scrambled eggs with 1/2 cup hashbrowns.

Lunch
The other half of those three awesomely declious pancakes

Dinner
3 short spare ribs which were absolutely to die for and creamy Parmesan polenta, a blackberry shag (vodka and sprite, blackberries), a partial serving of super tater tots, and a s’more. So delicious.

Snack
Apple

I went out to dinner with my friends, after wandering around the museum for two hours with their kids. It was a fantastic night. The two year old put his hands on an Andy Warhol! OMG. I’ve always wanted to do that.

Food Log 1/6/11

Breakfast
a failed attempt at box mac and cheese. took about 6 bites before I threw the rest away. (I blame its cheap quality and will insist til my departing that it was not me over boiling, it was the cheap waterlogged noodles.)

Lunch
Italian veggie sandwich on sourdough,
2 servings of kettle chips,
vitamin water zero,
Large Chocolate chip cookie.

Dinner
frozen Mac and Cheese (Eating Right) dinner,
water,
2 tablespoons creamcheese frosting,
1/2 cup chocolate soymilk,
3/4 cup trailmix,
100 cal pack of oreos.

Exercise
20 minutes Zumba

Food Blog

Accountability. It only happens if you allow it to happen. Not posting here, means I don’t have to account for what I’ve eaten. Its so weird how its so easy to ignore that, to forget that.

Breakfast consisted of a turkey bacon croissant. Guess how I justify that? It has protein. I could have chosen the white chocolate cherry croissant instead. (Or you know, not have eaten either, and chosen something different all together… perhaps the bran muffin?) I also had a 16 oz. Raspberry mocha. Yum.

I snacked on about 4 pieces of fudge. My mom sent me about 2 pounds of fudge, and about a dozen popcorn balls for Christmas. What a sweetie, right? (Sarcasm is optional.)

Lunch started around 2:30, and was bought at the restaurant next door. I purchased a cheese burger, fries, and a 20 oz. coke. I didn’t eat all the fries, but I ate the hell out of that cheeseburger. It was delicious.

My kitchen looks like a war zone, but I’ll bet as soon as I’m done cleaning it, I’ll want to cook something for dinner.  Thus the vicious cycle of having a dirty kitchen continues.

One good thing to mention, though I’m not really sure what it says about me, I am only eating when I’m hungry. I stop eating when I’m full. I make sure to check in with myself. I may be eating terribly, but I’m doing my best to manage the quantity.

Hm. Writing this out is more difficult than I remember it being.

ETA: For dinner, I ate two cups of rice-a-roni fried rice with chicken that I cooked, three chocolate chip cookies, 2 popcorn balls, and one large glass of milk. 

The Underworld of Night Eating

I wake up at 7:49am, crawl out of bed and into the shower. I try my best to wake up. Then I crawl out of the shower and back into bed until 9am, when I finally decide that I must get dressed, go down stairs and eat breakfast because I’m in for a long day. I have my daily cereal (half Kashi Go Lean Crunch, half Special K: Red Berries, with chocolate soy milk) pack my school bag, and by 9:30 I’m out the door. I go to class, become inundated with new information to be processed, then rush my way to work by noon. At work I sit at my desk and stare mindlessly at my computer, feeling my blood sugar drop lower and lower until I finally recognize the feeling as hunger and grab my lunch. (this weeks lunch: Pork loin roast with potatoes and carrots, with a side of grapes) Some times I eat it in front of my computer. Sometimes I don’t. If I’m lucky, I have actual tasks to do, but more often than not, I wait for something that never happens. Finally my work day ends at 8pm and I head home. While sitting on the bus I think, “maybe I’ll do some homework. I need to clean my kitchen. I need to do 20 minutes of yoga the minutes I walk through the door.” However, as soon as I walk through the door, I rush to my room, take off my work clothes, throw on my pajamas, race back down stairs and check the refrigerator to see what I can eat.

At this very point, I realize I have an opportunity to be good today. To reach for something healthy, or if not healthy, to eat it in a way that is mindful and not mindless. What usually happens is I grab the more unhealthy than healthy option, sit in front of the TV, and forget that I’m breaking one of my cardinal rules: Thou shall not eat in front of  back lit screens. From that moment, is where it all goes to parch. Suddenly, I want something sweet. Right now, my home happens to full of all sorts of sweet things because the last time I went shopping, I went without purpose and didn’t get anything I meant to. I know the right thing to do would be throw it all out, to give it away, to do anything but EAT it, but part of this journey is relearning how to be around food. For the first time in my life I don’t have to fight anyone for the left overs in the fridge. If I want my cookies to last a day or a month, its up to me to make that happen. And so the junk stays. (Example: I have four individual servings of Ben and Jerry’s ice cream in my freezer right now, that have been there since the beginning of August.)

Then a new problem arises when I have my dinner, I’ll have the handful of gummy worms, followed by a soda, and I just munch and munch and munch. I don’t even know what I’m eating, just that I am. Last night I ate a second dinner because I didn’t feel full enough. I was in some sort of manic mode, and I was in such a fog that I couldn’t stop to figure out why I felt that way. Midnight hit, and I forced myself to go to bed. (Sleep didn’t come for a few more hours, however.)

I’ve done this every night for two weeks. I’m so tired by the time I get home, I can’t lift a finger to do anything except comfort myself.

I want to be the person who finds their second wind upon entering their house, and proceeds to work hard and sweat. I know somewhere deep inside me there is a potential for it. I know I won’t be that person until I start acting like that person. I guess I just wish it was easier.

Todays weight: 308
(I must be doing something right…)

Insert Witty Title Here

Body Terrorist Alert: I am starting to notice myself slipping into mindlessness again. I ate half of a pudding snack because it was dark and we were re-watching the second season of Grey’s Anatomy, before I realized I hadn’t thought it through, I hadn’t taken a picture, I had barely acknowledged that I was eating it in the first place.

Yesterday was another day of huge emotional mood swings. My roommate has been sick with like a whooping cough these past few days, and every time she tries to hock a loogie, or clear her throat, its this long drawn out, potentially unnecessary gross squabble in her throat, and everything time I hear it, I just want to mutilate my eardrums. No joke, I sit and twitch every single time she does it. Thinking about it makes me want to vomit.

She’s been a major source of stress for me as of late, mostly because we live together, and work together, and on top of it all, we work the same schedule. And yes, we have the same friends. She is perfectly lovely person (most of the time), but sometimes, a girl just needs a break. I… I crave my solitude sometimes, and I’m not allowed to have it in our house most days. Its very frustrating.

So I spent all weekend saying goodbye to our other friend and listening to my roommate hack and cough, and have sex while hacking and coughing, trying desperately to find a way out. I went on a couple of fabulous walks which I’ve already mentioned, but its just not enough. I don’t even want to go home at this point.

Today, Tuesday (which feels like Monday), I ate a bowl of frosted flakes with chocolate soy milk. The minute I was done eating, my stomach turned into a knot and yelled, “THAT WAS A TERRIBLE IDEA! WHY WOULD YOU EVEN THINK TO DO THAT TO ME? WAS PLAIN SOY MILK NOT ENOUGH? WHY, LILY? WHY NOT? I NEED PROTEIN!” Needless to say, it was not the smartest decision I’ve made lately. Today feels like a pamphlet of un-smart decisions. I went to work without packing a lunch, and ended up ordering a cheese burger and fries from the grease join next door to my office. I washed it down with a diet soda… so I figured that would balance it out.<— making excuses for my behavior. No, I will not make excuses. I asked my body what it wanted, and it wanted MEAT. It wanted Greasy fries, and it wanted still, protein. Of course I could have found a different source, perhaps one with less fat or whatnot. But I’m pretty sure I was supposed to eat that cheeseburger.

After work, I went food shopping for realz. The main reason behind the poorly made cereal this morning was I’m out of all the good stuff, and need to buy more. But when you don’t have a car and you work later than usual, all of a sudden, food shopping is this huge deal that needs to be planned in advanced, and blah blah blah.

In other news, I weighed myself on Monday and today and I’m at 309.7. Which is pretty awesome, I think. Even with the mindless eating I caught myself in a couple of times over the weekend, I managed to still lose a little bit. I’m always surprised when the number goes down because I never think it will. <— Talk about setting yourself up for disappointment!